When it all went wrong at the last chance saloon

Its hard to write this blog, (i started it in August) but i’m going to because when it happened I found help from other blogs and social posts from people i knew and didn’t know, had put out there. Plus quite frankly you hear of all the exciting pregnancies and babies and you never know how many people dont quite have that perfect journey to motherhood.

Unfortunately my tale is a sad one and pretty much still upsets me every single day maybe because of the circumstances and perhaps because of my age and being single.

Sit comfortably and get a cuppa..

I was dating a guy for a while and one day one thing led to another.. I was safe and wasnt naughty and my period came like clockwork. However in reflection that month i had said to my mum my period was odd that month and quite bright red.

Fast forward to 6 weeks after my last period and my period was late. I was telling my family i was worried i was having signs of early menopause.. Then just to make sure (and because i was off work for a couple of days) i found a pregnancy test in my bathroom and took it. Its funny because i woke up early, peed on the stick and left it in the bathroom whilst i went downstairs to let my dog out, feed him and make coffee. Then went back upstairs and literally was like Oh! It was a digital test so clearly spelt it out to me that i was pregnant.

I came back downstairs drank my caffeine fueled coffee and told Gus my dog i was pregnant. I then google time lines and realized i was nearly 11 weeks pregnant. There was no question in my mind that i was keeping it, but was confused over the period 6 weeks ago. I googled bleeding in pregnancy and it seemed like it could be ok. I decided i’d go tell my mum. So i got ready for the day and drove to my parents. Its funny i drove down their road and my mum wasnt there because she takes my Niece to school and i didnt know how to act with my dad – so i took Gus for a walk nearby for 30 minutes till she came home. This gave me time to figure stuff out a bit more in my head. Regardless my mum still wasnt home when i got back, so i went in and just made chit chat with my dad. lol

When my mum came home we were in the kitchen and i just said to her i’m pregnant. Her instant reply was “your going to keep it right” Not by who?, how? OMG! lol. I replied yes obviously.. When you are 40 and its never happened – its just a thing in my head i’d always keep. Plus i got into the mess – i have to deal with it. lol

We didnt really mention it again. My best friend came for dinner later that day and because we were going to be drinking i showed her the stick and everyone was pretty excited. I was 11 weeks – like in theory all could be ok by then. Its not just a late period. As the weekend went on – i told my sister. As a family my mum, sis and i share most things. I was driving and called her and told her. She asked me if i really was and then was uber excited and called several times with plans etc. lol The weekend went on and it was good. Funny she didn’t say by who or anything either..

Did i tell the guy – yes. Did he freak out – yes. Did i hear from after the second day of him knowing i was pregnant, no. Did he blame me for getting pregnant, yes. Apparently it was all my fault. I told him i couldnt get pregnant (No i told him i dont think i can get pregnant, as i never have been) and he told me if it was his choice, he would get it aborted and i replied with its not your choice. Anyway i never heard from him again. He in theory should think i’m still pregnant. I actually think he thought i lied or just didnt want to deal with it. Vile human being clearly and i must pick better guys in future.

Then it all went wrong…

On the Wednesday i started spotting. Like that awful foul smelling brownish period. I had already booked a midwife appointment and she randomly text me as this just started. She told me not to worry and call the doctors. I filled out an econsult form and within about 15 minutes a doctor called. I explained and he said he would call the early pregnancy department at the hospital to get an early scan. He came back so quickly and booked me in for the Saturday. 3 days later. 😦

On the Thursday i went for my midwife appointment.. Discussed all options, tried to get blood, which failed oddly and i got that blue folder with all my details and info in..

Between Thursday and the Saturday i googled lots, read blogs and dreamt of it being good and planned my future of how i’d work, who would look after it whilst i worked and A names.. The kids in our family, including my dogs formal name begins with A! lol! Hey you have to dream a little especially at nearly 12 weeks pregnant and it was something that had never happened to me before.. I also wrote a journal of everything that happened. I wanted it for if the baby was ok and if not for me to document. It might sound odd, but it helped me process it all.

Saturday came and i decided to go alone and leave my mum at home with my dog. He cant stay alone for long, as he just doesn’t like it! 😉 I drive to the hospital quite frankly scared. Scared because it was still a lockdown type time, scared because i hadn’t been in a hospital for ages & i don’t like them.. Also scared because any prodding down there isn’t fun right? I got there, filled out forms, saw everyone had a partner with them and waited for my turn. I did notice most people weren’t that young.. like 30+ which made me realize lots of people do struggle for sure. When i was called, i explained the dates and the situation.. I had a normal scan which didn’t show what they wanted, so i had to go for a wee and then have an internal scan. Now i freak out at smears – this was nothing like a smear and actually was fine. A bit uncomfortable at times, but perfectly fine. However as for finding a baby – they found a cyst on an ovary and not much else. When this happens its either a pregnancy of unknown location, a miscarriage or ectopic! So i was out in the bad news room and waited on a nurse. With the dates it was confusing for all.. They took bloods, explained what could of happened and asked me to come back on Monday. They also terrified me by telling me if any pains in shoulder or towards back could be ectopic and i have to go to A&E. Don’t google Ectopic – it literally makes you scared with every pain. They also said to call the department at around 6 for the blood results. These results tell you how pregnant you are.

I googled way too much that day, sobbed and freaked out. I called at 6pm and they confirmed i was pregnant, but were confused by the numbers of the blood test, as it could be viable, but a pregnancy hiding. I had to come back for another scan Monday and more bloods. Everything was still up in the air and not looking ideal.

Monday came – scan showed they couldn’t find it again and then more bloods.. more calling back later that day. The bloods were slightly lower than Saturday, but not that much. If they are roughly the same, this can show ectopic too. They were meant to drop considerably but hadn’t. You can imagine by this point i’m just sad. I got my dog from my parents and i went home to work. Oddly i was interviewing for a promotion at the time and i had to explain why i couldn’t interview right now. I worked but to be on form to interview, was not the time. To be honest my boss should have told me not to work at the time or i should have realized i needed time to reflect on it all. Maybe if i had i wouldn’t be so screwed up by it still. Who knows.

Over the next month i had to go back every few days for more bloods to see if the levels dropped and to make sure i had no pains encase the ectopic happened.. When you have to wait a month or so for the baby to just die and go away its horrendous. Every time i took a pregnancy test it was still positive until a month later the test final was negative and that was it. The hormone levels in the blood didn’t drop as quickly as most peoples do when you miscarry. Mine was just very very slow and no one knew why or why i had a period after I had sex either.. I’m just one of those random ones unfortunately.

That was it till you tell your close friends why you have lied recently. Until everyone tells you that they are pregnant or have their happy ending.. or even when you are on work calls and you can just about hold it together till the call ends. I’m not sure why i cry, but i think its just that it was my chance, my journey and just something i didn’t think could happen. I don’t cry all the time anymore, but sometimes it just hits you.

My background is yes i’m terrible in relationships, but also i have a disorder called bile acid malabsorption. This means i cant digest food properly without help of a sachet (medicine) You shouldn’t take those sachets when pregnant and i don’t keep vitamins inside me, as i’m vitamin d and B12 deficient too. Its not impossible to get pregnant, but its not simple either. This could also be why this pregnancy didn’t last. Funny one of my friends who cant get pregnant due to egg issues said ‘at least you can get pregnant’ which is very true.

So we are now in October.. The month the baby would have been born (around 30th-31st October) and the month a few people are having babies. Its also pregnancy loss week next week i believe, so hence me finishing my blog. Since this all happened i haven’t been on a date with anyone and/or slept with anyone because i’m quite frankly terrified of it happening again. Not falling pregnant, but of the upset.. The thing is though i’m 41 and if i want a child, i need to figure this out quick. I need to plan it properly and not be on my meds (sachets) and probably go down the clinic route. With that comes perfect weight, so diets and just not simply having sex and getting pregnant. For now i’m going to love my dog, my nieces and nephew and continue to get stuck into my promotion. oh so yes i got the promotion and actually got another one on top of that too.. So not all bad this year..

I hope my story can help others and always remember you don’t know what people are going through, lots of people don’t get pregnant the first time and just be kind to each other.

Friendship or an emotional affair?

Until last week i’d never heard of the term emotional affair.. I just thought if you had an affair it was a physical thing really, but I did realize that perhaps being friends with someone who is married of the opposite sex, maybe isn’t perfect either. Although I suppose it doesn’t have to be of the opposite sex all the time either… Saying that I know talking about intimate feeling with my friends is different to having the same conversations with someone you haven’t organically met either. I do also think that its unfair that society says you cant be friends with someone of the opposite sex and just get on well and both know that you will never be anything more. Your partner is never going to have everything you are attracted to in terms of personalities and you should have outlets to vent, have banter with and basically grow your thoughts and opinions…

So saying all this I’m sure you are thinking where has this come from and I was listening to a podcast from Katherine Ryan the other day called “Telling Everybody Everything” and someone had written her an email on this topic and she was outranged about it. It got me thinking about a “relationship” and or “relationships” i have had with past with people. I’m quite an open person, I talk to anyone really and if I find someone interesting – I want to be around them and I want to talk to them and is there a rule when you say your vows “you must never talk to anyone new ever again who might improve your life”? no there is not, so why cant a man or a woman who has a ring on their finger, ever talk to anyone outside their clicky married group again?. Actually I’m sure people don’t need to be married, probably just don’t be one of those single ones and you are free to talk to whomever you like…

I completely appreciate there is a line you shouldn’t cross in terms of sexual conversations, think about them all the time when in your “real” life or it be something that you want to progress in the future, but can you not be friends with someone else who just happens to be married? Why do you have to only be friends with people you work with, have met before you got married or just be friends with friends partners – although in some peoples eyes that can be muddy situations too. Like I get on with my friends husbands, but would they be happy if there husbands spoke to me everyday because I was interesting or we had a laugh – probably not. Have I ever looked at people at work and thought to myself – oh they are married or attached, they shouldn’t be that close or be hanging out as much. Yes I have and that’s really bad – people should be able just hang and enjoy other peoples personalities and not be about to jump the bones off of someone.

Its funny because i have gay friends and if i spoke to one more than the other because i was friends with her first or we got on better, would her partner get upset because we talk all the time or would they have to tell the other one they were saying hi to me everyday.. I wouldn’t have thought so. They might mention it, but would the jumping to conclusions on whether we were having an emotional affair happen – no.. Would they even think it was an emotional affair or would they just think its a friendship… Maybe its different with gay couples in terms of trust or honesty or even just the whole thing.

In conclusion i totally appreciate all views and think its a tricky situation and someone will probably get hurt if its not a complete platonic relationship, but I still think its nice to “meet” all kinds of people in the world even if just for a snippet of your life but I would not want anyone to feel uncomfortable or get in the way of someone’s relationship.. Its perhaps not a clear cut situation for anyone. Honesty is maybe the best policy in everything we do..

My 2020

2020 was meant to be the year of adventures, the year of the 40th, my niece becoming a teenager, my sister moving on and my mum turning 70 and those things all happened, but they were very different to how they were planned.. 

The year started with such fun with going to the sea on New Year’s Day as a family which was the best decision and the best family day.. we even had lunch at the pub outside.. it was a typical Family road trip to the sea. Then my mum and I saw Hamilton in London in a box which was utterly amazing and a show that has rocketed to the top of my best show list. I also started seeing a guy too.. 

February brought a weekend away with the besties to Cheltenham, all squidged into one hotel room (that wouldn’t happen now!), goody bags made to survive hangovers, one husbands car got stolen which added to why we all needed to get even more drunk that random day in Feb. We met another school friend too which brought even more fun to a year which was perfectly on track at that time.. 

February 29th – a gathering at the local pub to celebrate my 40th, nothing big, nothing to huge, but the best night, with big hangovers, friends stopping taxis to be sick, big sleepover at mine and lots of fun. 

March 2-4 my birthday celebrations, bath day trip, thermal spa, lunch at a fab dog friendly restaurant on my birthday, gluten free cake, bbq with the family and a spa day the day after.. it was fab and normal and just how I wanted my birthday celebrated.. (we’ll ignore the dog being sick and dads eye issue as it was still fun) That following weekend brought a dinner and drinks Friday night with a bestie and then a London weekend away with my sister and great friends. Perfect apartment near Oxford street, lunch, pub drinks, magic mike, grinding on the girls, cocktails, hangovers, coffees, it was perfect.. till my besties husbands car broke down when he picked us up from the train station on the way home. Lol! Second husband called to play taxi and the weekend is done.. Monday brought the work crew together for presents and lunch at the pub too – best birthday.. then it started to go downhill.. 

I started to feel under the weather, the news was full of covid, there were talks of the country shutting down – things started to get cancelled due to me feeling unwell.. is it a cold? is it a virus? why are we all feeling ill.. The following weekend was meant to be us going away to Devon as a family.. should we go, should we not? Children start to get temperatures and then the world got put into lockdown. The UK shut down – everything was cancelled for the foreseeable.. 

That’s when 2020 was not fun.. my sisters birthday was me giving her tickets to see kings of Leon which I knew would be cancelled, I saw her for 5 minutes through a window.. I started booking food slots for the family and would collect our order weekly and then drop the food to their houses once a week.. We did video calls, I worked so hard everyday, whilst sobbing for being alone, not knowing what was going to happen to the world, our country, my family and my life.. would I lose my job? would I get really ill? I’m lonely, how can we get through this?, will we go on holiday?, can I celebrate my friends birthdays? my families birthdays?, Easter.. anything.. The news banged on about how to fill your time when forgetting some people were working 24/7 and told us that so many people were dying each day.. April was low – the weather was lush, but it was the hardest month for so many. We all had zoom calls, video messages, video calls, phone calls galore, but it wasn’t the same.. every time you took the dog for a walk – it was worrying and lonely.. There was no starbucks open, no socialising, just me myself and the dog. The highlight was delivering food to the family, but it was heartbreaking to not go in their houses, spend time with them and would end up with me sobbing in the car all the way home.. it was hard.. Amazon deliveries were my friend.. I did save and pay off my kitchen though which was a plus point! 

By June things got a little easier – walks with another person was a plus point, gathering outside was cool – we could have drinks in the garden, mock up ascot at home, meet in the park on Saturday afternoons and just eat adventure biscuits and be more normal. National Trusts opened, we could spend time outside with people and it helped.. holidays were still all cancelled for us and it wasn’t needed in the end – we just all wanted to see people occasionally outside. I even went on a date again with the guy from Jan.. it didn’t work out in the end but it’s not the year to date.. however the dog then got sick.. a lot sick but it’s ok – he has lots of meds and special food now and hopefully a tummy thing just like his hooman and nothing else!

End of July a great friend and I went away for the night to an actual hotel, it was fine, safe, but with no atmosphere but it was great to just spend time with someone else – do something more normal and dress up. We won’t mention the car breaking down on the way home! Lol

August more family days out in the country, at the sea and socially distancing.. a couple of pub visits too thrown in, but we stayed outside still as the weather was amazing in 2020. I went back to the office too – no one was really there, but it broke up the week, the odd person would come in for a hello or a coffee and it was great to see people, to build relationships with and to help the dog not be with me 24/7 and be so clingy! 

September me and the rents went on an adventure to Kent for a few days.. again we went to some pubs outside as the weather was lush and we hung out at our holiday rental with take out Italian and vino and cocktails.. 

October another holiday cancelled as rules changed for us going away, but we had half term off work and school and did simple things like walks, coffee, bike rides and movies at home.. Bubbles are helpful for us lonely folk.. My sister and I have never been so grateful for being single as we have this year.. well when we could bubble perhaps not when we were stuck alone at home in March, April and May.. 

November was another sort of lockdown.. it rained, it was ok though – we did online shopping for Christmas, still walked outside in our spare time and hung out when we could. December we fitted in a dinner or two at the pub, still went for walks and ventilated the rents house as much as we could.. Christmas saw more tiers as rules changed for my mums 70th and Christmas, but I moved to the rents, my sis could still bubble with the kids and we battled the windows being open with my dad, as much as we could stand.. The thought of Christmas alone was not an option for me.. I couldn’t do it.. we did a ascot at home and a graze box for my mums 70th, afternoon tea at home because our posh one out was cancelled and Christmas we ventilated.. we did more walks outside, more adventures and we had fun. 

As I write this on the eve of 2021 to document the year and to look back on – I’m quite hopeful for 2021.. I most importantly want the rents vaccinated, I then would love to go back to the office again, get life back on track a bit more, plan things, but not too much and get to the parents 50th wedding anniversary in September.. we have booked a family holiday to Devon in July – hopeful we get there and hopefully a trip abroad might happen, but I can go slowly next year perhaps.. if anything I have learnt this year how valuable and amazing my family and friends are.. Peoples kindness and personal messages, flowers, cards, photos , brownies kept me going this year.. I value the simple things more, I love my dog more than I could before – he has been my constant and buddy this year more than ever.. and I did make my bed everyday in 2020 which is a first for me! Lol! So 2021 I will try to be healthier than I have been this year, make my bed everyday again and try not to over plan and just deal with whatever comes my way as best as I can. I am also super grateful for working all year and for the people who I have met out and about, the NHS obviously and for everyone who has tried to keep the world sane and safe. Peace out 2020.. 

What would you tell your younger self?

As my fortieth gets closer and so does my friends, the topic of conversation right now is being 40, what we have done in the last 10 years since the last big birthday, where we want to go, how we want to celebrate and then of course what we would have done differently in the past. It’s inevitable to reflect.

Me being the only single person on the planet turning 40 probably has different items on my list to most. Some people have said they would simply of paid off their mortgage quicker… I’m sure there are people out there at 40 who are still saving for that own home thing to be fair. I’m actually not sure how long I even have on mine, but I’m thinking at least 20 years. I don’t even have a pension. Well I do now as the only letter in the post yesterday was from my employer insisting to take hundreds of pounds off me each month for a pension. Usually I opt out, but maybe I need to have it now as I am turning 40. God this is all so grown up. 

Anyway I digress… So what would I tell the 21 year old me? Fresh out of uni with big ideas of being a tv presenter, no major experience with boys and big ideas of earning a fortune. At this time my best friend had one child and two of my besties were getting married the following year. I should have told myself to get some boy confidence and don’t always put your friends first. Live a little,  stop holding back and thinking of others – like don’t be selfish or go off the rails – just say yes more than taking the easy route of being a people pleaser and stop hiding behind my stomach issues. I was terrified I would need the toilet in front of anyone back then and I should have just owned up that everyone has issues and stop worrying. 

By the time I got to 30 – I had lived a lot more, gone out loads, held parties, brought an apartment, obviously slept with boys, but pined over a boy a lot in my early 20’s. If I was telling my 20 year old self anything – I would tell her to get a grip and move on quicker. To be fair I should tell myself that more now. If it doesn’t work, if he doesn’t make an effort or shows no signs of putting you first and you are faffing around them – move on. If it’s meant to be – it will happen. 

When I turned 30, my friend and I joined up to online dating. My advice to that 30 year old self would be – be more open minded. Omg I can be so judgemental and picky. If someone doesn’t look like your perfect type but you get on well and have a good convo online – meet them. What is the worse that can happen? You might have a fun night with someone you don’t fancy straight away, but make a friend out of. You might fancy their personality more than their perfectly formed teeth or you just might actually fall in love with someone who you didn’t visualise as the person you would take home to meet you family. I am not saying go out with every guy who messages or every guy who just messages hi as an opener, but if the guy has stuff on his profile which you have in common or his opening message is a good one, give them a chance. 

So the things I would do differently as the single me is: say yes more, don’t be such a people pleaser, maybe pay more attention to boys in your 20’s and still have fun (don’t dump your friends for boys though that’s just wrong) and in a professional stand don’t settle in a job. Otherwise I’m pretty happy with my life –  I’d even say I’m pretty lucky and I love my life at nearly 40, however I’m a lot more at ease in my skin now. I think you learn as you get older to not give a damn a lot more. Like if you have tummy issues – brilliant that’s life, everyone is different. Some people have spots, some need a poo occasionally and can’t eat certain food groups. That is life. 

My only thing now is, If someone could pay half my mortgage and give me cuddles every night, then I think my life would be perfect, but hey who knows that could happen one day or I’m sending the dog out to work and he gives pretty good cuddles anyway. What advice would you give your younger self?

It’s been a while

Wow it’s been a very long time since I blogged (28th March 2018) and I can only apologise.

I’m now fully into my last year of my thirties and am using it as an excuse for everything like “lisa do you want to go on holiday? Yes yes I do especially as I am forty next year” Not sure if I think the world is going to end on the 3rd of March 2020, but hey might as well live life just encase it does when you hit forty single.. Lol So yes people I am single still, but there has been potential this year at least…

So why have I not blogged in a while?

Last year was a bit crappy for me and my family, although I did get a puppy in May 2018. His name is Augustus (Gus for short) and is a cockapoo. He is hands down the best thing that happened last year and literally is perfect for our family. He has his own Instagram account (@augustusthecockapoo) and another reason why blogging was out and insta was in!  Meet Gus at 3 month below. Then now at 18 months.

  

In the June my dad got diognosed with prostate cancer and life became a tad hectic and dating was not a priority at all. With a new puppy and just the turnmole of when someone in your family is ill – I just wanted to spend time I had with the people I love. Dad thankfully recovered and kicked cancers arse spectacularly regardless of having a really high cancer level. There is some amazing technology out there which helps and some pretty amazing docs too. In August my sister’s husband delightfully showed his true colours and her marriage ended and she moved to my parents 3 bed house with her 3 children. 6 people, 1 small house! 😁 Life just got tense for all and with this happening and life becoming hectic – I really didn’t bother with even looking for a date or talking to boys. So onto 2019… Life is much more settled now and so dating commenced in February.

First prospect.. 

February 14th a guy I dated 8 years ago messaged me on pof. We got chatting and decided we needed a catch up.. Is it ever a good idea to date a guy more than once? I have gone back a few times to guys and it never works out – so not sure why I never learn. In a nutshell – Nice to hang out with, nice time had 😂, told me I was the perfect girl, except apparently I’m not healthy enough and don’t do the water sports he does, which basically translated into I’m not skinny enough! Oh you can imagine my reply. His apology was far from what it should be”I apologise if I offended you!” WTF no wonder he is single. He still messages and tries to stay in touch and I think I’ve learnt to just reply with one liners now.. Douche!

Second prospect..

Imagine 6.7+ tall guy – hello… This guy was great with banter, had a job I thought was interesting, been to holiday places I had been too, I could wear really high heels etc. Too. First date was nice – he was like a loveable guy. Second date – we kissed, again nice date, but his job thing just was a bit sketchy by this point. I’m not snobby about what people do, but I do like a guy who has a good work ethic and is passionate about work and life! I’m not sure he did in the end and my work life was very different to his. Anyway date 3 – a walk with the pup. He didn’t really acknowledge Gus. The thing is everyone loves Gus. Everyone talks to me when I walk him or anyone does, so if you go for a walk with us – you sort of have to be part of the convo. Gus didn’t care for the guy much either – so he was a no no and it fizzle out.

Third prospect… 

Maybe a story for another time… Dating is not simple when older at all…

Forth prospect… 

Way too complicated…

So folks that is my update.. Prospect 3 is still around, but isn’t the most straight forward story, but Gus actually likes him and we will see for now… Happy dating.. Boys are confusing.. Life would be boring otherwise I’m sure…

Is it because I’m single that I work long hours?

It’s come to my attention that if you are single or at least don’t have children, you end up working longer than colleagues who do have children. Now this might be controversial and I’m sure it isn’t the case in every office, every job or for everyone, but I think it might be true.

In my company there is a lot of 30/40 something women/men who have children, are married or are attached. Due to having children they obviously have other priorities and commitments and rush off from the office either early or on time. Mostly early! They might also come into the office after drop off to school and leave earlier to get say child from after school clubs, child minders etc. So they get paid the same as me (or probably as I don’t really know), they are contracted to do the same hours as me, however come in late and leave early and obviously take time out for doctors appointments for the children, take time out to see a child’s play and just generally have more time out of the “office”. Is this fair or is this just expected these days? 

I know that most colleagues or friends do work again after the children are in bed, but do they still work as hard or as long as say a single person, who gets in early and leaves later -like I do? Maybe they are better at managing their time or maybe the expectations from bosses is that due to them having children they should have a better work/life balance. Who knows, but it is an unwritten rule that it is ok to come and go whenever and work from home whenever too. 

With all this said I know the people who do actually go to part time working hours after having a kid, do actually end up trying to fit in full time responsibilities in part time hours which is unfair too. 

I did actually ask someone what their thoughts were and she didn’t have children and lived in the states, but was married. She said she thought she finished work more on time now to get home to spend time with her husband, whilst before she would just stay and finish a piece of work etc. 

Unless I have plans I very rarely leave at 5.30 – I keep working until I am in a happy stopping place or my inbox is at a manageable state. When I’m on a work from home day – I usually put some dinner in the oven at 5.30/6 and then carry on working again until I have got to where I need to be for the next day. I suppose if I needed to do dinner for children – I too would probably log back on at 8pm, but when I have done this in the past, I’m not sure I’m that productive or on top form at that time, as I’m tired by then and need to switch off. 

In terms of just being in a relationship or living with someone – maybe it isn’t the fact that people leave on time to make sure they see their partner, maybe both people in the relationship work longer hours or maybe it’s like they have something to do each night which is better than working – so they manage their workload better or maybe it doesn’t matter if you are single or attached – it boils down to your work ethics, your personality, your boss, whether your boss is in a relationship or not, or basically a number of factors. My bosses never really batter an eyelid when I work late but is that because my boss is in the states and the time difference isn’t realised or is it because they know I’m single! Who knows…

To be fair except for the colleagues  who insist on taking time off when ever they want, I’m sure as long as we all get the job done and have equal pay and opportunities – I’m sure it doesn’t matter whether you are single, are in a relationship or have children….. 

Damn you Mr potential

You know when you click with someone online, you think – yep you tick a box: 

• You are quite funny,
• Have good banter, 
• Live in the area,
• Know people I know,
• Grew up like I did,
• Good values, 
• Seem like you might be fit,
• Aren’t a hermit,
• Might have your own life – hobbies, friends blah blah blah 

Then…. it all goes wrong or quiet.. 

it’s so frustrating when this happens and you haven’t even met the person. So the story goes.. 

I matched with a guy on tinder (standard, no one takes it seriously) You start chatting and asking questions. You realise the person grew up in the same village as you, went to the same schools as you, knows people you do – you chat about life, loves, travel, history etc. And have some chemistry. This goes on for a few days. You then swap numbers because he wanted to mainly. You chat over text a lot that day. Then you send a last text and then silence.

You leave it and think maybe he’s busy, then still nothing. You see somewhere you have spoken about – text to say and nothing. Now at this point I should really know the score and I do, but it’s so irritating. Obviously I do not text him again! Why would I – why would anyone make a fool out of yourself – everyone knows the score – that’s the wonderful world of ghosting and online dating. However… 

Because it really annoys me and because I am a nice person and probably to prove a point and to show I am a nice person I text.. 

Just “Hey – you obviously changed your mind about matching (he unmatched me in the meantime on Twitter) hope you find what you are looking for. Lxx

Hahaha he replied… 

apparently his circumstances have changed somewhat!!! Seriously – he clearly was either talking to someone or was rekindling with someone and keeping his options open. 

Anyway I just replied with “hope everything works out for you”! Why am I so nice – I obviously don’t think this… I think he is a douche and what a waste of a week of messaging! 

Funny he then replied with “sorry I’m not a douche bag hence making the decision” well clearly you are mate – you didn’t have the balls to text me! I didn’t reply. I deleted the texts, deleted his number and will clearly go back on tinder. I’m sure there is a better one out there for my 38th year! 

Reflection of 2017

Happy new year – ok I’m a little late with this blog, but I started writing it before the end of 2017 and I’d like to say that I have been so busy that I haven’t finished it, but I just didn’t have any umph to complete it unfortunately. Life, flu thing, box sets etc just got in the way… Anyway… 

Lessons learnt in 2017 were: 

Family are everything

I learnt big lessons in 2017 especially as one of my best friends mum died. It hit me that parents and family aren’t around forever and even if my family can be a pain sometimes – I love them to pieces. Plus when the chips are down and you need a cheer up, they were always there even if the day ended in a disaster or an argument! 😂 Cherish your family people – they are a pain because they are like you but I’d like to think they will be there always.

Friends have their own lives

I think I have realised this one more and more as I have got older and friends all ended up married, attached or having children – as a single person you have to like your own company. You also have to get up, get out and have fun. This does not make me happier or make me like the fact my closest bestie is apparently moving to Spain this year. It’s a rediculous idea and she shouldn’t be able to leave the country without my say so. With all this said I look forward to some great adventures with my friends this year. 

Don’t ever let a cat out

This one will haunt me for ages.. My poor little Henry cat who was 2, wandered too far one day in Novemeber and got run over. No one stopped, but thankfully some kind person saw it happen and took him to the vet. For a while he seemed ok but within a few hours he unfortunately just couldn’t survive. I know it sounds sad, but my cat was my little home buddy – he was always there and was a GREAT listener.. Yes yes this is one of my saddest moments of 2017! I won’t be getting another one very soon and maybe a puppy is the way forward. If I get one, it will be coming everywhere with me! 

Be thankful for what you have

I like anyone can be upset about why does so and so have this or why does so and so get married, have the big well paid job, how do I get a 5 bed house? A posh car blah blah blah. Seriously I think we should all look at our life’s sometimes and be thankful for what we have. I might not have children, but I can lie in whenever I want to. I might not get paid more than everyone,but I get paid way more than some people and I can work from home whenever I want or 24/7 if I want to. I might not have a Range Rover, but I get a new car every 3 years and I might not have a 5 bed house, but I own a 2 bed one, in the Home Counties which is pretty amazing and I love it. I am thankful for everything I have, everything I can do and everyone around me. Plus it is ok to be jealous sometimes and then kick yourself and remember what you have isn’t too shoddy.

Love what you do and like who you work with

Last year whilst looking for other jobs (as sometimes you have to see what is out there) I realised that I work in that big office, have a flexible job, my boss was ok and he did try to progress me, my coworkers are nice – some of them I would count as friends and some are annoying obviously, my pay is more than ok and working for a company for 5 years is fine. Plus I have challenged myself and had several roles there, to know what I am talking about. I love the world of marketing, I actually quite like software too, but most of all I love working with my colleagues. I am excited to see how my new responsibility of looking after the DACH region will progress, what fun events and hotels we will visit this year and how I will get better at Social Marketing and get more results. You spend most of your time at work – love what you do or find one you love.. 

Love thy neighbour

My neighbours are 10-15 years younger than me – I know they are pretty much children as I’m only 28! Haha 😁 Anyway we have a great relationship and have keys to each other’s houses for emergencies, for the cats (obviously that is one sided now) or just for when I can’t remember if I have left a window open or if they need to borrow my hose! When Henry got knocked over, I text my neighbour and she came to the vets with me. She was also going to come to the vet hospital with me and I know she would have helped Henry recover as much as me. She stood with Henry when he died, as I couldn’t and then she brought me a ginger plant to remember him by. So sweet. We both cried way too much for my little Henry but it was so nice that she was there. However my boy neighbour did nearly let himself in once when I had a boy to stay! Thankfully he didn’t come in at the last moment. Haha.. Could have been slightly awks..

Exercise is good for the soul

I have a love hate relationship with the gym like most people. I do feel better after I have been, but in winter it’s especially hard to get up and go. I have moved gyms though and this one seems cool, bigger and less people willing to talk to you. I can’t stand random people talking to me at 6am when I am tired, haven’t had a coffee and am on a cross trainer because I need to lose weight. A polite smile is all that is required and then leave me to my really loud music. The exercise I would recommend to all is: Combat – lots of punching is good for the soul, Jumpfit at your local trampolining park – it is the most fun you are ever going to have doing exercise and you burn like 1000 calories and lastly Pilates or a stretch class – it helps you feel normal and not have any aches and pains. I love a good stretch ☺️

Don’t feel guilty too much or set high expectations for yourself 

I feel guilty all the time. I’m sure that’s a surprise to most people who know me, but I set major high expectations for myself in work and home life. I feel guilty about being a good friend, daughter, sister, auntie, godmother, colleague – everything. I sometimes think this is why I am single or have been left behind. I have always tried to be the person who is there for others. I’ll be there on someone’s birthday to make sure they aren’t on there own, I will go to every child’s birthday party, I will be some ones wingman to make sure they meet someone etc etc. I thought about this last year and actually decided to be more selfish and less guilty. People won’t love you any less if you can’t make a child’s party or you have plans and they plan their birthday that weekend. Plus others don’t do this for you, so just get on with life and shit happens. Although I think I might still need to work on this one a little more or just educate everyone to be more like me. 

Treat yourself once in a while

This one maybe is a bit odd. I do buy stuff all the time for my house and myself, but I think I need to buy big nice purchases more often if I can afford them. I missed out on a Mulberry handbag on sale because I felt guilty about buying it when I had the money there which I had worked hard for.  I still haven’t brought  one or gone to Bicester to get one on sale, but there is still time and it’s only January. Plus I have plans for the puppy, holidays and that handbag and will do eventually.

Hope everyone is having a good January. I am back on dating sites and promise to make more effort this year. Who knows 2018 could be the year for meeting a boy or could give more fun blog stories. 

5 things which would be easier if I wasn’t single

Not sure how all you singletons feel all the time about doing everything on your own. I certainly am quite independent and confident but I was thinking yesterday about the following things that would just be easier if there was more than one of you. 

So I believe the following would be easier if you were in a relationship:

1. Going to events
2. Sharing bills
3. Sharing chores
4. Hang time
5. Life admin

So let me explain them..

Going to events

I do not mind going to parties and events on my own, however sometimes going to an event where it is full of couples or families and then little old me turns up on my own and looks like billy no mates – isn’t fun. My other bug bare is that you always have to drive and never get the option to drink at one of these do’s, which would clearly make things better sometimes! Haha! Obviously I could be that annoying spare part who could stay over at people’s but that’s just annoying and ruins everyone’s weekends! 

Sharing bills

When you have to be an adult and it is socially unacceptable to live at the rents, you have to either rent or buy a place. I brought my first property at 26 & admittedly my parents were very helpful in the beginning but you know I think they always thought I might meet someone who might eventually share my bills. Instead I had to work hard in my career to pay those pesky bills. I’d like to buy more designer handbags each year though and not have to think – pay back new kitchen or buy something nice for me. Plus paying a mortgage of over £900 a month is a lot for one person. 

Sharing chores

I know there is only one of me but regardless of how many people in a household, you still have to clean the same space and do all the same chores. Having to clean, cut the grass, take the bins out, cook every night (ok I don’t stay in every night but that’s not the point!) dust, Hoover, food shop (so boring when you are gluten free) etc etc.. It would just be nice not too have to work all week and have to do all this sometimes too.

Hang time

I like my own company, I sound really boring but staying in sometimes, cooking dinner and watching tele or a movie is nice. I also like going shopping on my own etc, but sometimes, just sometimes I’d like to hang with someone and not have to call on a friend or make an effort and just have someone at home to chill with. 

Life admin

OMG does anyone like life admin? Seriously I have enough admin at work to do let alone have to work out what remortgage I am going for, whether Henry the cat should have annual injections or cat insurance, book tickets for the cinema, pay bills, work out what home, car, life etc insurance is best. The list goes on! This week I have had to look for the best deal on car tyres and brakes. It’s a chore and yes my dad is taking my car to have these things done, but I still had to price compare garages as he doesn’t see this as a priority and would just go where his mate tells him is good regardless of the price. To me this is surely a boy job & if there was two of you  – this wouldn’t have to be done by me. Although a friend of mine had car issues this week and her husband was away and she had to deal with a bit of the issue, but no doubt her husband will do the rest when he is back. Not jealous at all – I’d have to fix the whole issue! It’s just annoying! Haha

Anyway these are my bug bares and yes I do realise boys who are single have to do everything too, lots of relationships aren’t more simple as one person will do more than the other and gay couples – have to still do boy or girl jobs anyway! What are your bug bares about being single? 

Boomerang

So it’s happened again – guys from the past getting in touch because they are redic. 

Let me tell you my latest story and you are welcome to refer back to Randoms get back in touch as the same guy has got in touch again. 

Basically he was on tinder – so I swiped right just to see if he would too. He had. I messaged eventually “hey stranger, how are you?” He deleted his profile! Random! So I went into Facebook and did a little digging – looks like he might be seeing someone! Idiot! A week later, surprise surprise he pops up on tinder again with the message in his profile of: If we match again, I’ll message you, sorry! Clearly for me! I’m intrigued to find out what he is up to. We match! What a surprise! He messages his favourite Christmas movies (standing joke about Christmas movies) and I reply obviously telling him he is wrong. So I ask if he is single! Apparently he is. So I ask him why Facebook looks like he isn’t? He says he was seeing someone, not anymore, blah blah blah! It’s totally recent or he fucked up or something! By this point I’m just honest and tell him it’s odd! What do I have to lose! 

Anyway… 

After more messaging, He says fancy a drink? I’m like meh! Might as well… Wrongly or rightly – I’m nosey and want to find out what has happened and a night out might be fun! Haha! 

Drink day! I get a message saying he is terribly Sick with a cold and can’t make it! Clearly a lucky escape for me! 

That evening he is texting and tells me he is moving up north! Random – why meet for a drink but hey! He is also telling me I’m amazing, wish we were on a date and getting a bit flirty and pervy! Whatever it’s all funny to me. 

The next day – he is out with his mates by lunchtime! Clearly he wasn’t I’ll and decided nothing was going to happen on our supposed date. He starts basically saying to come over, i’m amazing in bed, amazing body, blah blah blah! Clearly I am far too sensible and say no, but a drink one night is still cool! 

The following week he is still being flirty and pretty much sexting! Still telling me I’m amazing etc. Then I mention the drink again and funnily he then tells me we want different things, he wants some fun before he goes up north and basically wants a shag! Makes out I’m desperate for a child and he can’t possibly have another one! Anyway I basically told him it wasn’t going to happen, he realised he fucked up and I told him – thanks for the blog post! Haha

The moral of the story is: leave it in the past! If it didn’t work out the first or second time – let’s not go for the third, forth or fifth go! Boys don’t change and there is a reason it never worked out originally anyway! Yes we do want different things! 

Stay tuned for the next instalment of “mister won’t leave it alone” in about a years times! 😂