I wonder; is it worse (and that’s probably a bad word to use but anyway) to have been single on and off and be over 35, than to have been in a relationship for a long time and not to have got married and had kids?
I’m talking to a guy who has been in two long term relationships and not been married and not had children yet! He is 40 and been in one relationship of 10 years and one of 9! Now you can probably pass the first one as – Young, through the school/uni era – in your 20’s etc, but the second one he would have been in his 30’s, established etc, how could:
A) he not have proposed before 9 years (is this why they ended?!)
B) how could you in that time not even perhaps had a mistake and fallen pregnant! (Obviously they could have – I don’t know that)
C) I wonder if he actually wants to get married or have children in this case – far too early to be that nosey though
I know a few guys like this – I have a cousin who has just come back from oz where he lived with his girlfriend for over 10 years and then got to 40 and decided she wasn’t for him! 10 years – that is one long arse time to have not have made future plans together and to have not have had a family or any long term commitment!
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not one to wait years and years for a relationship to go to the next stage! Perhaps because I’m now over 35, who knows, but I think because I’m impatient I wouldn’t wait 10 years to get pregnant – well I couldn’t now anyway – I’d be a super granny mum! I wonder if guys know this – like they now can’t wait 10 years for a relationship to go to the next stage… They must do I’m sure!
Anyway so thinking about it – with all the pressure single people get about well frankly being single and questions like; why haven’t you met anyone yet and people telling you that you should get a move on, find the one, try harder and basically every friend and relative thinking you are some weirdo because you haven’t been with anyone for longer than a minute in your whole adult life – it made me think: People who have been in long term relationships must have all this stigma too, like:
Oh there must be something wrong with xxxx as that last girl he was with didn’t work out
Why did xxxx not have children yet
For years they must have people just saying – why hasn’t xxxx not got married or when are they getting married!
You can’t win really. If you got married quickly – you would be judged. If you got pregnant before marriage – you could be judge, if you stay with someone too long and not move to the next level – people judge, if you don’t find one you like and don’t put up with not perfect – you are judged, you can’t win. And at over 35 you’ll never have the perfect route to societies perfect idealised relationship – so thank goodness for age on our sides and doing it our way!
Obviously everyone goes by the photos to start with and if they look quite nice you open the profile fully and take a read! Every profile set up is slightly different depending on what site you are on! One might give you a compatibility score with a guy, one might let you tell them everything about you in terms of height (obviously most important thing to women), marriage material, just want a f**k buddy, no details, linked to your Facebook or Instagram profiles etc. Etc. But what does the profile say about that elusive potential….
So there is the guy who wants a lover but not love = clearly a fancy way of saying they want a f**k buddy and could be married already or perhaps has been hurt in the past and just wants a no commitment thing for now! Commitment issues… 😬
Then there is the guy who is seperated! These poor guys could have been seperated for years for all I know but I instantly think; is he on the rebound or is it too early for him to be going out and meeting someone!
The guy who bangs on about looks not being important – sorry but surely that’s crap because the first thing you judge people on online is their photo! So for you to click further you need to go yep or nope to that person! Unless they look at every profile I suppose! Who knows!
The guy who puts no details about their job! What are you trying to hide!? Who cares what you do – I can select that you earn a certain amount if I really want anyway and then you will come up in my search! Yes yes it’s that fickle online! In a bar you wouldn’t ask someone how much money they earn before talking to them but on online you pretty much can! Although that goes back to my previous post when I guy was so eager to find out how much I earn’t – who cares!
The guy who says they come from the whole county! Is that not a bit weird! It instantly makes me think you live in a dodgy area and you are ashamed! Silly if you ask me! Plus counties are massive – Hampshire is like an hour drive to get to some places! Plus I live on the Berkshire, Surrey, Hampshire boarder – so giving me a county is redic!
The I’m not telling if I have a child – clearly you have one
The I’m not telling if I have a car – clearly you don’t, but you might have a bike! Just say if you don’t have one! Weird not too!
The only answer I think I get when people are a bit unsure is the kid thing and the marriage thing! No one wants to be too eager and not everyone knows if they want children and if it happens it happens especially as we all get so bloody old – who knows if we can have children or when we will meet someone if we will be really really bloody old and can’t have them by then! And marriage, well again you wouldn’t go up to a potential in a bar and go: “do you ever want to get married” might depend on the person or they just might not see the point! My parents have been married for over 45 years and I’m not sure I can be bothered to get married – what is the need really? A house is a commitment, children are commitment, but I would quite like a Pink diamond engagement ring! Mmmmm! Lol
Anyway it’s bloody difficult this perfect profile thing – maybe we (as in the online dating community) need to be more open minded on lots of profiles and just go with your gut on if that person seems like one you want to meet! To be fair you might start chatting to one and they end up being blah anyway (totally happened last week and he had such potential but bloody hell he asked no questions and didn’t do anything with his life! – bore) Boys can be a bit blah you know! Clearly it’s all them as I’m so funny, beautiful and amazing! Ha
Anyway back to the boy shopping! Ooooo I just got a message from an Adam…..
I get it it’s hard to start the ball rolling in any conversation but if you were in a pub and was talking to a girl would you start with: “I have really long foreskin – how do you feel about it?” If this situation happened – a) I’d hope I was very drunk and so was he and b) this so wouldn’t happen in a pub! So why does a guy online feel this is an appropriate opener!? Then he gets funny because I’m the most honest person in the world and I ask him (very politely) if he says this to all the girls and does he think this is appropriate! Anyway he blocked me! He also blocked me cause he insisted I got “kik” to message on! Urrmm I thought the whole point of online was that you had a platform to talk on before you gave out numbers! Why would I need kik as well! Clearly hiding something or he was embarrassed of being online! Anyway I don’t want kik!
Another guy messaged me to ask if I missed sex! Very kind of him to think about me but no need! He did do the hi how are you first but then asked me who I lived with! Weird! I’m 37 – I’d like to think most people (if they don’t live in London or perhaps if they have baggage) would live on their own by now or maybe I just want to go out with some one who does!
Another guy didn’t quite tell me this on an opening message but in a few exchanges after that his mum has cancer and she is dying! Wow why would you tell a stranger that! Is that not a bit too early! And far from romantic!
Clearly I am attracting the wrong guys or guys in my area are so weird it’s rediculous! It is funny though because there is always the bondage guy who pops up and looks at your profile! He is looking for a new lady who he can dominate! Funny he doesn’t actually show a picture of himself encase “work colleagues” see! hmmm I think it’s just because he is a Middle Aged fat bold guy who you really wouldn’t want to go near! Random!
Anyway back to it – who knows a nice one might come along or that random meet down the supermarket aisle is surely on the cards! 😂
In the past few weeks I think I have spoken to a lot of randoms! I felt I needed to document them as just to prove to the world I do try and meet guys but every random messages me!
In no particular order:
The guy who messaged with “Hey You’re a cutie!” I’m not being funny but I’m 37 on Friday! I’m far from being a 5 year old who is a cutie!
The same guy went on to make sexual comments and basically telling me we lived so close – he’ll get a bottle of wine and come over! Urmmm I haven’t met you on a date and we just said hello pretty much! He then blocked me! Weird
Another guy today asked me how much money I earned! I replied that I wasn’t sure if that was a question you should ask and he replied with “yeah it is – I earn xxx a year!. How much do you earn because I think I don’t earn enough!” So I earn double what he does and clearly I didn’t tell him but diplomatically pointed out it depends on industries etc! How is that an appropriate question to ask?
Then there was the guy who message me at 10.15am Saturday morning with “hey” or something like that! Then at 10.36am he messaged “aren’t you a chatter” Then he blocked me! Seriously I went out for the day and was busy – I didn’t realise my whole aim for Saturday was to message a random back!
Then there is just all the random messages like “You’re astonishingly good looking” (seriously) “Your beautiful, I could fall in love with your face” (Really?) Or “Wow your gorgeous!” I get they want to make a first impression but seriously how is that an opening line – a boring hello, how are you would be better in my book!
So anyway with the amazing chat up line and guys lined up – my 37th birthday will definitely be one where I am single and happy about it if that’s all that is available! 😂
Not sure if this happens to everyone but this always happens to me and I know it’s happened to a friend of mine before too! If you have been off and on online dating for a while you always see the guys you might have been on a date with in the past or you have spoken to in the past! Standard as everyone has the same goal but why do boys find the need to have to get in touch with you again after months or even years?
The thing is I would never go oh let’s talk to so and so because we went on a date previously, it didn’t work out but we must try again! I just don’t see the need – there was obviously a reason it didn’t work previously! However boys are different – randomly out of the blue I either get random texts on whatsapp or I will see a guy I have been on a date with on a site and look at their profile (I’m nosey) and then 5 minutes later I always get a message from that person!
On one occasion I went on a date with one guy I had been on a date with 6 months before – we then saw each other for a but but seriously there was no need! So why do I end up replying to these guys and getting into the situation where I have to either go on a date with someone I don’t want to or having to have that awkward convo of sacking them off! Why don’t I just leave well alone! My new tactic is not really to be too interested and hope they get bored! The ones you want to get in touch never do which is irritating!
Anyway if anyone knows why guys see the need to get in touch randomly – please let me know! If a girl did it – I swear guys would think they are needy or obsessed or something! Datings a funny old world!
When you meet a guy on line – you might not know there name as they have come up its the most rediculous username which gives no clue at all! Don’t get me wrong women are the same – I’ve had many random names over the years and not many have ever just been lisa!
But when these prospects or potentials reveal their names I sometimes judge way too much! Funny because before they reveal their name I think they are potential and then after I can totally be turned off by the idea of continuing to talk to them! I know this sounds bad but let me explain…
So a name like Pete or Ben are pretty solid names right – nothing offensive! But something like Robin – you think of someone a bit woosy! Haha or Dave you think of as a bit common but David is perfectly acceptable! James is again a perfectly acceptable name but what do you think if Martin? – perhaps a bit dull or a bit of a bore! Omg online dating makes you think way too much! If you were in a work meeting or out out and a guy called Martin introduced themselves and he was the coolest guy ever – you so wouldn’t think about this! Like if you met a Wayne is real life & he was a posh boy, would you automatically go oh but he must be a wide boy as well!? To be fair I know a Wayne and he is totally not a wide boy!
I’m sure guys must think the same, like if you met an Alison or a Sally they must think they are just nice girls – lisa is probably a nice girl name too, but something like Roxanne is a cool name and surely she is cool!
Anyway I’ve come to the conclusion I need to be more open minded, a name isn’t who someone is, but it still doesn’t stop me judging straight away on that person! Maybe this is why my cat has a posh name (Henry), as I didn’t want anyone judging me/him if I called he biscuit! Stupid cat name! Haha sorry sis! X
I love weddings and I’m fortunate to usually have at least one a year! I have also been a bridesmaid 5 times and read readings and been a witness a few times too! I love being part of the special couples days and I love a good fascinator! I think I get invited to more weddings because I am single too – it’s easier to fit one more in a wedding than 2 & I have always declined taking a plus one anyway as I think people spend enough money on a wedding than having to pay more out on someone they don’t know! Plus can you imagine looking back on wedding photos and going oh yes that was so and so’s bit at the time or that was just a random who came with Lisa! Plus I have never majorly know people have space for extras at weddings anyway! Numbers are always limited!
Overseas weddings can be tricky! One of my best friends got married in Santorini quite a few years back and there was never any question about a plus one, she just hooked me up with one of her other friends who would go on her own and who I sort of knew but didn’t know know and we were roomies! By the end of the holiday/wedding we were really goodfriends and now I would class her as one of my favourite people and a really close friend!
Another wedding I went to was in the states, again no plus one and the brides had plans for everyone and were thinking of all people going, like who they could share with at the hen in Vegas, when people were getting there, who would stay with who at the family location and again who would then all share what accommodation at the wedding venue! It was so well organised you didn’t need a plus one and regardless of being in a couple or being on your own – everyone just had fun and there was always someone to talk to! My mum actually jumped on the bandwagon of the wedding and was invited in the end but didn’t come to all of it and regardless of her being there or not, I think the experience would have still been the same as it was a bunch of really nice people I barely knew from all over the world!
I received a wedding invite on Friday for a wedding in South Africa next year and it says you can bring a plus one! Regardless of me not really believing in plus ones – I think I might need one on this occasion! It’s weird we are a group of friends & not everyone is in a couple but my other single friend is totally different to me and lining up a plus one where I actually probably don’t have anyone who could go! My friends are pretty much either married or have children or both! Plus SA isn’t like just popping to Spain! It’s a big holiday to expect friends of the happy couple to attend, let alone a random who doesn’t really know them! This is one instance where if you had a boyfriend it would be just something you wouldn’t even have to think about – you would both probably just go if you could afford it!
So like normal I could just go stag which if anywhere else in the world I probably would, however the wedding venue is 2 hours from Cape Town, there doesn’t seem to be any set in stone plans or advice on how you are meant to get there except if people arrive on the same day – they could maybe car pool! I can’t just jump in a cab, I can’t organise some transfer as it is miles away and who knows if SA even does transfers and I can’t I presume as a single white female hire a car on my own to travel on dirt tracks (like the outback I presume) to get there! I’m sure my friends who are going could go on the same day and we then all travel together but the people I know are bridesmaids and the bridal party all have plans together! So I don’t want to be the spare wheel in that either! So this is my predicament right now and the only time really that I felt upset that I don’t have a partner to be there in this situation! Maybe my new tag line on these dating sites needs to be “I need a plus one for SA – who’s up for it?!” If anyone has any ideas – please let me know! I do have time to figure it out and obviously talk to the bride, as I do think it would be an amazing wedding and wouldn’t want to miss a friend getting married! We’ll see – as I say the invite only came in on Friday!