I can only apologise for the lack of posts recently – I just haven’t had the omph to write one (although I have written one in my head a hundred times! )- plus I think this year has been a omph lacking year so far but let me tell you why!
This year 5 people I am close to have lost parents and I’m not great with death and upset unfortunately and it just makes me freak out about my own parents, to whom I am very close to! firstly my best friend from uni’s dad died after a battle with cancer. I love my friend and her family and they have been through so much it’s heartbreaking to watch and when you want to support your friend it will effect you. Then my uncle died from a freak accident – he lived in northern Cyprus and to not be able to say goodbye or see your family at this time again takes its toll. However most recently another best friend lost her mum in not very nice circumstance and she really shouldn’t have gone so young. When you have a very similar relationship with your own mum, it literally upset me more than I could deem possible. My saving grace is I have both my parents – unfortunately my friend now has none. She also has battled with being single for years and yes now is in a nice relationship but when you have been single for so long before, you worry about being alone again and you also get more upset that your parents won’t see you build this future with them included. Well this is how I would feel. I worry so much about it just being me – I rely on my parents so much for just being there regardless of how much I might have friends around or family. This is why I worry about my friends so much! I don’t want them to feel alone and I want them to know I am there for them.
Anyway to continue my 2017 story – a week after that death, another friend lost her mum and most recently a childhood friend lost her dad. It’s totally mental and I do know my parents are fit and healthy and seem much younger than they are, but it doesn’t stop me from being in this stupa this year. It doesn’t help that vitamins aren’t staying in my body (a side story to B12 deficiency) and I’m tired all the time or I feel the majority of my friends are the most self centred people ever this year (obviously not including the people who have gone through this heart ache!) I get everyone has a life but seriously I give up trying sometimes. Maybe they feel I am self centre too or shouldn’t have to rely on them for company at this age who knows!
So this brings me on to dating and why my lack of dating or even bothering to talk to anyone this year! I just don’t have the omph or the tolerance or have become so bloody old I give up for a bit! The thing is with dating you have to be at your best because it’s so hard. It takes a lot out of you, it’s exhausting and emotionally fucks up your head sometimes. A guy started an argument with me yesterday online because I didn’t reply to him and when he pushed it – I just said I think we are looking for different things to which he then just threw abuse at me ! He clearly got blocked and anyone else I was talking to was looked at in a different light and not really spoken to again. I swear I attract fuckwits.
So the rest of the year I can only hope gets better, I don’t dwell on the past and everyone starts to heal! Oh and I get some energy in me and vitamins somehow start to stick! 😬 Autumn is better for dates anyway! Haha
I wonder; is it worse (and that’s probably a bad word to use but anyway) to have been single on and off and be over 35, than to have been in a relationship for a long time and not to have got married and had kids?
I’m talking to a guy who has been in two long term relationships and not been married and not had children yet! He is 40 and been in one relationship of 10 years and one of 9! Now you can probably pass the first one as – Young, through the school/uni era – in your 20’s etc, but the second one he would have been in his 30’s, established etc, how could:
A) he not have proposed before 9 years (is this why they ended?!)
B) how could you in that time not even perhaps had a mistake and fallen pregnant! (Obviously they could have – I don’t know that)
C) I wonder if he actually wants to get married or have children in this case – far too early to be that nosey though
I know a few guys like this – I have a cousin who has just come back from oz where he lived with his girlfriend for over 10 years and then got to 40 and decided she wasn’t for him! 10 years – that is one long arse time to have not have made future plans together and to have not have had a family or any long term commitment!
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not one to wait years and years for a relationship to go to the next stage! Perhaps because I’m now over 35, who knows, but I think because I’m impatient I wouldn’t wait 10 years to get pregnant – well I couldn’t now anyway – I’d be a super granny mum! I wonder if guys know this – like they now can’t wait 10 years for a relationship to go to the next stage… They must do I’m sure!
Anyway so thinking about it – with all the pressure single people get about well frankly being single and questions like; why haven’t you met anyone yet and people telling you that you should get a move on, find the one, try harder and basically every friend and relative thinking you are some weirdo because you haven’t been with anyone for longer than a minute in your whole adult life – it made me think: People who have been in long term relationships must have all this stigma too, like:
Oh there must be something wrong with xxxx as that last girl he was with didn’t work out
Why did xxxx not have children yet
For years they must have people just saying – why hasn’t xxxx not got married or when are they getting married!
You can’t win really. If you got married quickly – you would be judged. If you got pregnant before marriage – you could be judge, if you stay with someone too long and not move to the next level – people judge, if you don’t find one you like and don’t put up with not perfect – you are judged, you can’t win. And at over 35 you’ll never have the perfect route to societies perfect idealised relationship – so thank goodness for age on our sides and doing it our way!
All I can say is this experiment set by the doctor has not been fun at all! Yes the bread tastes good but going to the toilet at least 4 times a day isn’t nor is having to work for home more so I can eat wheat is making me more tired.
Biggest negatives to eating wheat:
Feeling mega fat all the time
Putting on weight – wheat regardless of going to the loo just makes me fatter! Obviously the yummy biscuits haven’t done this
The pains in the stomach
The weird dreams (might not be related but who knows)
Having to let down people if you feel crap
Feeling bloated and clothes looking shite
Rushing to the loo
Always needing to know where the loo is
Anyway 1 week left, then it’s detox time! I’ve got this new book called The G Plan! It’s all about giving your gut a rest and building gut health! Saying goodbye to bloating and getting renewed energy! Obviously I’m having tests and they are looking into my B12 deficiency more but I think I need to help myself too! If this means 21 days of being uber healthy then that’s what I need to try! My body right now feels horrendous! Plus the numb hands, pins and needles everywhere and being exhausted all the time can not continue! The ladies who write this book also do retreats which would be amazing to do, but that might need to be saved for! Plus a holiday in heat will I’m sure help anyway!
Anyway 7 days to go and then life restored and we’ll see what’s what!
So definitely still wheat/gluten intolerant then! I was quite excited at the beginning that I would get to eat all this food I had missed out on for years and literally that thought was thrown out of the door after day one!
Bad points of wheat/gluten eating
Feeling utterly unhealthy
Having the worse tummy pains ever! Easter Sunday was spent on my hands and knees bent over a hot water bottle
Going to the toilet for a number 2 at least 4 times a day and if there is a moment I don’t go, my stomach looks like I am 6 months pregnant!
Still feeling exhausted 24/7 – I went to the office one day last week and by 2pm I was literally exhausted! My eyes were so heavy! I can’t cope
Having to be at home a lot because you can’t make major plains encase you need the loo!
White bread I can’t cope with, so living on rye,spelt and wheat bread or granary – I just can’t deal with the pain! I Have normal biscuits with coffee and crisps might have an element of wheat but apart from that I can’t do wheat noodles or Macci d’s – it’s hurts my body way too much!
Fresh Bread tastes amazing
The cost of items is so cheap
So just under 3 more weeks to get through and then I think a detox of no wheat/ no carbs is needed! I google wellbeing breaks 24/7! Still not sure how doing this test will help determine why my B12 doesn’t work anymore as I haven’t eaten gluten/wheat for over 10 years! I get the doctor wanting to check this and I’m grateful, but I think he needs to think more about the symptoms of B12 than my overall randomness with food and IBS
I have been wheat, gluten and soy intolerant for about 15years or tried to be as in the beginning it wasn’t easy! I’ve had a b12 deficiency for about 18 years but recently my injection hasn’t been working! I have all the symptoms all the time! I’m lucky if I stay up passed 9pm and my face continuously has pins and needles! So I finally spoke to a doctor about it yesterday and I have to eat wheat for the next 4 weeks to be tested for coeliacs. To be tested you have to basically have wheat in you body! Plus I can’t remember if this was ever tested originally so totally worth it.
So after thinking this would be cool and I can eat all the exciting foods I never eat like a proper Chinese, McDonald’s, fresh amazing bread and proper pizza – I then freaked out it would hurt, I’d be sat on the loo a lot and basically have no life for a month! I went to morrisons and brought some supplies as my house is obviously full of non gluten food! I got fresh bread but got rye, spelt and wheat fresh bread not bite bread. I brought some shortbread, spring rolls and I had monster munch earlier too! I’ve eaten the bread so far and now have a painful tummy – so that’s fun! I think the next month might be spent at home, defo no dates, only time spent with people who really know me and working from home might be the norm! As the tiredness isn’t cured either yet – my bed and I will defo be best mates!
Anyway I thought I would blog about how I get on and see what ends up being decided on IBS, B12 and being coeliac! I’ll still do online dating but I think it might be a case of if I can go on a date more than anything – although my track record this year has been shite so who really cares! Haha!
If you do have fab wheat food that I must eat – please share though!
In recent months I got a new Fitbit (I’ve had one for a few years, but now have an all singing all dancing one!) and have hooked up on Facebook, email and friendsof friends to motivate myself to do more steps and basically not just sit all day when I work from home or at the weekend. It’s working but I want to win challenges more.
If you don’t have a Fitbit you are probably thinking “what challenges?” Well let me explain! Firstly on your Fitbit – you have your own personal goals but there is this whole other bit where you can challenge your contacts to see who does the most steps in a day, a weekend or a working week! Again sounds simple right – well no! My contacts must literally step every single waking moment! In a working week they are at like 140000 steps! Weekend challenges can be mental at like 60000 steps and I swear they must be just cheating somehow!
So I wake up pretty early regards of what day it is, going downstairs, feed Henry cat, open the back door and make coffee! Then come upstairs, shower, blow dry & straighten my hair, put make up on and then find outfit for the day! In this time I never used to wear my Fitbit! STUPID as you can do 1000 steps before work by wearing the Fitbit! Who knew! Some might ask why I don’t wear it 24/7 as it tracks sleep, but my arms/hands go numb at the best of times (B12 deficiency) the Fitbit does not help this at night at all. With all these challenges I clearly clock up these steps now.
Another thing I do is before going to bed I have to make sure I have made my official goal a day (5000) and my unofficial goal (normally around 10000) Therefore I step on the spot before bed,or dance around my house! I can be exhausted and have the decision of steps and challenges or go to bed! Bed wins a lot to be fair!
This weekend I invited new Fitbit friends to do a day Fitbit challenge (daily showdown) and then my friend invited me to do a weekend warrior (2 day challenge) I went to legoland yesterday so totally thought it would be easy to win! NOPE – everyone just wants to win! Everyone ends up moving more! It is really good at making you move! But the good news is I did win yesterday – whoop! My feet hurt so much from walking all day but I still danced around the house to the Take That thing last night on the tele and today I still need to rock the steps to keep going in the weekend warrior! My friend has cancelled our walk this morning so I now need to motivate myself to go for a walk or the gym and then do some food shopping (you step quite a lot down those aisles) and as its a beaut of a day again the garden could get a quick look stupid or failing that it’s too sunny – my sun lounger has my name written all over it!
Anyway the morale of the blog is get a step tracker it makes you move more!
Chronic illness sounds very depressing right? And very extreme right? Well it doesn’t really have to be! Well it is a long term condition, but they obviously range from extreme to not normally effecting your life to much!
So I have these – I have a B12 deficiency and IBS and normally I can cope quite well, it’s part of life, lots of people have it and these days it’s so much easier to live with, but this week I’m totally struggling! I don’t think this dull weather has helped and winter never helps – long dark days are so depressing – I choose sunny light days any day! I need flip flops back in my life and no coat – who likes coats anyway!
I have an injection every 8 weeks which is totally my energy boost and helps my face not have pins and needles, my hands to not go numb and basically every bone in my body not to ache! Most of the time I don’t get these symptoms all the time, howeverthis week I have all the symptoms, I’m dropping the ball at work by getting cranky too much (it doesn’t help I’m working like 12 hour days) and I could happily go back to bed constantly! Wow I’m melodramatic today!! It’s hard though – no one really gets it – everyone I swear just thinks I’m a weirdo who has a funny diet and is just as tired as them because everyone works hard, but literally I’m so tired I cried at a roundabout the other day because I was too tired to drive to the superpmarket to get food. I can barely be bothered to hit my goal steps on my Fitbit each day and push myself as my legs are killing and TRX last night literally broke me! Plus as standard I live off caffiene! Coffee is my best friend right now!
I think people think I’m lucky because I get an injection to help me have energy! Oh yeah that’s it! The fact that they all can absorb the nutrients and vitamins they need in their body means they are the lucky ones. According to the NHS – I could lose my memory when I am older, have depression and basically find it very difficult to conceive a baby because of the injections! So this doesn’t really make me lucky in the long term I’m afraid! Plus you tell a guy you are dating that you are like an old lady and you need an injection to give you energy sort of makes you sound like fruit loop or totally past it!
Anyway roll on Tuesday I need my injection in time to do an event up north next week – events are exhausting (yet fun) as it is – I literally will be sat on the floor in the exhibition hall crying and rocking without it! 😉
I’m hoping after the last few days with the tiniest of signs of heat coming everyone will be less tired, my symptoms each 8 weeks won’t be as extreme as the sun will totally help and I so need a holiday – I think I might need to book one! Sod buying flooring – I swear there is a sun lounger out there with my name on! 😎