I wonder; is it worse (and that’s probably a bad word to use but anyway) to have been single on and off and be over 35, than to have been in a relationship for a long time and not to have got married and had kids?
I’m talking to a guy who has been in two long term relationships and not been married and not had children yet! He is 40 and been in one relationship of 10 years and one of 9! Now you can probably pass the first one as – Young, through the school/uni era – in your 20’s etc, but the second one he would have been in his 30’s, established etc, how could:
A) he not have proposed before 9 years (is this why they ended?!)
B) how could you in that time not even perhaps had a mistake and fallen pregnant! (Obviously they could have – I don’t know that)
C) I wonder if he actually wants to get married or have children in this case – far too early to be that nosey though
I know a few guys like this – I have a cousin who has just come back from oz where he lived with his girlfriend for over 10 years and then got to 40 and decided she wasn’t for him! 10 years – that is one long arse time to have not have made future plans together and to have not have had a family or any long term commitment!
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not one to wait years and years for a relationship to go to the next stage! Perhaps because I’m now over 35, who knows, but I think because I’m impatient I wouldn’t wait 10 years to get pregnant – well I couldn’t now anyway – I’d be a super granny mum! I wonder if guys know this – like they now can’t wait 10 years for a relationship to go to the next stage… They must do I’m sure!
Anyway so thinking about it – with all the pressure single people get about well frankly being single and questions like; why haven’t you met anyone yet and people telling you that you should get a move on, find the one, try harder and basically every friend and relative thinking you are some weirdo because you haven’t been with anyone for longer than a minute in your whole adult life – it made me think: People who have been in long term relationships must have all this stigma too, like:
Oh there must be something wrong with xxxx as that last girl he was with didn’t work out
Why did xxxx not have children yet
For years they must have people just saying – why hasn’t xxxx not got married or when are they getting married!
You can’t win really. If you got married quickly – you would be judged. If you got pregnant before marriage – you could be judge, if you stay with someone too long and not move to the next level – people judge, if you don’t find one you like and don’t put up with not perfect – you are judged, you can’t win. And at over 35 you’ll never have the perfect route to societies perfect idealised relationship – so thank goodness for age on our sides and doing it our way!
Obviously everyone goes by the photos to start with and if they look quite nice you open the profile fully and take a read! Every profile set up is slightly different depending on what site you are on! One might give you a compatibility score with a guy, one might let you tell them everything about you in terms of height (obviously most important thing to women), marriage material, just want a f**k buddy, no details, linked to your Facebook or Instagram profiles etc. Etc. But what does the profile say about that elusive potential….
So there is the guy who wants a lover but not love = clearly a fancy way of saying they want a f**k buddy and could be married already or perhaps has been hurt in the past and just wants a no commitment thing for now! Commitment issues… 😬
Then there is the guy who is seperated! These poor guys could have been seperated for years for all I know but I instantly think; is he on the rebound or is it too early for him to be going out and meeting someone!
The guy who bangs on about looks not being important – sorry but surely that’s crap because the first thing you judge people on online is their photo! So for you to click further you need to go yep or nope to that person! Unless they look at every profile I suppose! Who knows!
The guy who puts no details about their job! What are you trying to hide!? Who cares what you do – I can select that you earn a certain amount if I really want anyway and then you will come up in my search! Yes yes it’s that fickle online! In a bar you wouldn’t ask someone how much money they earn before talking to them but on online you pretty much can! Although that goes back to my previous post when I guy was so eager to find out how much I earn’t – who cares!
The guy who says they come from the whole county! Is that not a bit weird! It instantly makes me think you live in a dodgy area and you are ashamed! Silly if you ask me! Plus counties are massive – Hampshire is like an hour drive to get to some places! Plus I live on the Berkshire, Surrey, Hampshire boarder – so giving me a county is redic!
The I’m not telling if I have a child – clearly you have one
The I’m not telling if I have a car – clearly you don’t, but you might have a bike! Just say if you don’t have one! Weird not too!
The only answer I think I get when people are a bit unsure is the kid thing and the marriage thing! No one wants to be too eager and not everyone knows if they want children and if it happens it happens especially as we all get so bloody old – who knows if we can have children or when we will meet someone if we will be really really bloody old and can’t have them by then! And marriage, well again you wouldn’t go up to a potential in a bar and go: “do you ever want to get married” might depend on the person or they just might not see the point! My parents have been married for over 45 years and I’m not sure I can be bothered to get married – what is the need really? A house is a commitment, children are commitment, but I would quite like a Pink diamond engagement ring! Mmmmm! Lol
Anyway it’s bloody difficult this perfect profile thing – maybe we (as in the online dating community) need to be more open minded on lots of profiles and just go with your gut on if that person seems like one you want to meet! To be fair you might start chatting to one and they end up being blah anyway (totally happened last week and he had such potential but bloody hell he asked no questions and didn’t do anything with his life! – bore) Boys can be a bit blah you know! Clearly it’s all them as I’m so funny, beautiful and amazing! Ha
Anyway back to the boy shopping! Ooooo I just got a message from an Adam…..
I get it it’s hard to start the ball rolling in any conversation but if you were in a pub and was talking to a girl would you start with: “I have really long foreskin – how do you feel about it?” If this situation happened – a) I’d hope I was very drunk and so was he and b) this so wouldn’t happen in a pub! So why does a guy online feel this is an appropriate opener!? Then he gets funny because I’m the most honest person in the world and I ask him (very politely) if he says this to all the girls and does he think this is appropriate! Anyway he blocked me! He also blocked me cause he insisted I got “kik” to message on! Urrmm I thought the whole point of online was that you had a platform to talk on before you gave out numbers! Why would I need kik as well! Clearly hiding something or he was embarrassed of being online! Anyway I don’t want kik!
Another guy messaged me to ask if I missed sex! Very kind of him to think about me but no need! He did do the hi how are you first but then asked me who I lived with! Weird! I’m 37 – I’d like to think most people (if they don’t live in London or perhaps if they have baggage) would live on their own by now or maybe I just want to go out with some one who does!
Another guy didn’t quite tell me this on an opening message but in a few exchanges after that his mum has cancer and she is dying! Wow why would you tell a stranger that! Is that not a bit too early! And far from romantic!
Clearly I am attracting the wrong guys or guys in my area are so weird it’s rediculous! It is funny though because there is always the bondage guy who pops up and looks at your profile! He is looking for a new lady who he can dominate! Funny he doesn’t actually show a picture of himself encase “work colleagues” see! hmmm I think it’s just because he is a Middle Aged fat bold guy who you really wouldn’t want to go near! Random!
Anyway back to it – who knows a nice one might come along or that random meet down the supermarket aisle is surely on the cards! 😂
In the past few weeks I think I have spoken to a lot of randoms! I felt I needed to document them as just to prove to the world I do try and meet guys but every random messages me!
In no particular order:
The guy who messaged with “Hey You’re a cutie!” I’m not being funny but I’m 37 on Friday! I’m far from being a 5 year old who is a cutie!
The same guy went on to make sexual comments and basically telling me we lived so close – he’ll get a bottle of wine and come over! Urmmm I haven’t met you on a date and we just said hello pretty much! He then blocked me! Weird
Another guy today asked me how much money I earned! I replied that I wasn’t sure if that was a question you should ask and he replied with “yeah it is – I earn xxx a year!. How much do you earn because I think I don’t earn enough!” So I earn double what he does and clearly I didn’t tell him but diplomatically pointed out it depends on industries etc! How is that an appropriate question to ask?
Then there was the guy who message me at 10.15am Saturday morning with “hey” or something like that! Then at 10.36am he messaged “aren’t you a chatter” Then he blocked me! Seriously I went out for the day and was busy – I didn’t realise my whole aim for Saturday was to message a random back!
Then there is just all the random messages like “You’re astonishingly good looking” (seriously) “Your beautiful, I could fall in love with your face” (Really?) Or “Wow your gorgeous!” I get they want to make a first impression but seriously how is that an opening line – a boring hello, how are you would be better in my book!
So anyway with the amazing chat up line and guys lined up – my 37th birthday will definitely be one where I am single and happy about it if that’s all that is available! 😂
Being in my mid thirties you get to the point of thinking do I want a child and do I need to hurry up to have one? I do have a back up plan but online dating puts you under so much pressure and unfortunately in my story I have missed out on so many potentials!
So I don’t start conversations with OMG I want a child and can you give me one (clearly not I don’t ever message anyone first!) but you do have on your profile normally that you want children! Men are more open I think about this and put open/not decided but I always put want children! Anyway at my age I sometimes end up talking to guys who have children already (I suppose it’s to be expected) and on several occasions you can be getting on really well and they will then say – oh I notice you want children – I have one (or two) and I don’t want anymore! Now seriously in my opinion (and it is my opinion) what woman doesn’t want the option at my age to maybe perhaps have a child! You might not think you want one but if you fell preggo, you would probably think twice about keeping it mainly because you are female, you have a woman’s maternal instinct and it’s the norm in life to have a child and because at this age you might not get another chance if you don’t take this one!
Therefore I find men who have their own child quite selfish if they really think that you – the girl without a child would be happy to not have the option of having their own child, but is happy that you have children! I think you are kidding yourself! Would it not be better for those guys to go for either older ladies or women who already perhaps have had a child!?
Now if you are a guy and you doesn’t have children and you have decided you don’t want a child – then fair enough – you would be in equal grounds! I obviously still wouldn’t go out with you because as I say I want the option! But I am sure there are females who have made the decision not to have children as well because they want a fun carefree life and because we all know (including my friends & family) children can be little pains in the arse if they want to be!
So to the guy I have been speaking to this weekend who just told me he doesn’t want anymore kids – thanks for being up front and shame! At least it’s better than the guy I dated last year who dumped me because I wanted a child and then kept texting me all year telling me he liked me, but his views hadn’t changed on the kid front! Then why bother message mate! Clearly that didn’t work out and he so wasn’t my type anyway! What was I thinking!
I had a meeting yesterday at work and when I say meeting, it’s set in the Starbucks in my office and its with a cohort of ladies where we should discuss things like challenges in the workplace, how we can progress and become better leaders and basically how women can progress! As this is just a casual coffee meet up we end up speaking about life and as it was the first one after Christmas, so we obviously spoke about what we got up to in the holidays!
I arrived a bit late as shock horror I was actually working (I’d like to add I worked late to fit in my meeting too) and when I arrived I was asked how my holidays were! Standard answer busy – my sister has 3 kids so it is always fun and hectic! And then I was like I’ve started blogging more! They ask what I blog about and I mention; being single, dating, lifestyle etc! Hilarious the responses from my colleagues were: “Are you online dating, do you need to online date and can’t you just go down the pub and meet someone!” For anyone who is single and a little older and doesn’t go out on the pull every Saturday night will know – no you can’t just go down the pub and meet someone! It’s difficult and there are actually certain towns around where I live where older people do go out, there are single people out on a Saturday night in some pubs, however at over 30 do we care about pulling on a Saturday night or are we out that night with friends and our main goal is to have a laugh with those friends rather than to scout the pub for someone who might look ok and might catch your eye!
When I go out on a Saturday night drinking and dancing – I’m either out for a birthday or because We are due an overdue catch up with the girls! So our main goals are to usually get drunk (classy) and have a laugh with the group! If I was to be looking out for fit guys all night it wouldn’t be my idea of a fun night! (To be fair this has always probably been my issue even when I was younger!) Obviously you might end up speaking to guys when you become more confident or perhaps someone offers you a free drink whilst at the bar but very rarely it will turn in to anything or in my experience that’s the guys who are married or attached! So no it isn’t that simple to meet a guy organically and this is why we all probably treat online dating a little bit like shopping!
Another point my colleagues found funny was that it is like shopping and yes online dating can make you more picky than you probably would have been in your younger days out on the town. Also yes you can pick someone who is more ideal and have things in common with you more than you would have when shopping organically but is it easier, are we more successful at picking a designer guy! Hell no – that’s the wonderful world of online dating! It’s just a different way of meeting a mate!
Anyway I left my colleagues with the task of finding me a boy and making my mum’s wish come true this year of finding someone who will love me by the end of the year! Don’t even get me started!!! Haha Lets see how easy they find it! 😂
Have you ever been on POF or Plenty of Fish as the formal people call it? POF is the place us singletons go to discover the wonder that is online dating! Well there and several other places but POF basically is the OK place that is free!
Basically you see all the single people you know on there at some point and if like me you have been single for years you have probably seen people come and go you know now are in relationships or you see the people like yourself who have been off and on the thing for forever!
The thing about being on an online dating portal that everyone goes on, you end up walking around town thinking omg do I know them or I wonder if any of these guys are on POF! I’ve even been out at night in a bar and a guy started talking to me like I was some long lost friend and thinking he knew me until he saw my vague look on my face and realised he didn’t! Later on I saw him on POF and he probably had just seen me so often he thought he knew me from somewhere else! Haha
There is also the nightmare when your single friends are on POF and you are and you end up talking to the guy they might have been on a date with or been talking to before! It’s very awkward and has totally happened to a friend and I! Who knew we had the same taste!
Then there is the stalker guy who messages you without a picture and tells you he has seen you about and has an amazing smile! Brilliant because that makes me feel so much better about going outside the house now you weirdo!
Then just last night there was the situation of the person you used to know having a profile on POF! He looks at your profile, you look at his – clearly take a screenshot and send it to your mate and say “OMG isn’t he married?” Then he messages you and tells you he is now single and he thought it was me! Haha!
I’ve never actually ever messaged anyone on any dating site first – maybe I would be more successful if I did. -As a marketer you think I would be good at marketing myself but clearly not! What would I say & an element of me thinks boys should message first but I don’t think that is working with the recent messages I have got from really really unsuitable guys!
This all sounds very negative about POF and obviously it isn’t that bad for me to go back on there so often and not every guy is that bad – I’ve clearly dated some nice ones too and out of my favourite 6 friends – half have met guys on dating sites and 2 on POF – 2 are now married and have children and 1 is now living with a guy after many years of going through bad dates! So it does work and it is a good place to find a nice one!