Its hard to write this blog, (i started it in August) but i’m going to because when it happened I found help from other blogs and social posts from people i knew and didn’t know, had put out there. Plus quite frankly you hear of all the exciting pregnancies and babies and you never know how many people dont quite have that perfect journey to motherhood.
Unfortunately my tale is a sad one and pretty much still upsets me every single day maybe because of the circumstances and perhaps because of my age and being single.
Sit comfortably and get a cuppa..
I was dating a guy for a while and one day one thing led to another.. I was safe and wasnt naughty and my period came like clockwork. However in reflection that month i had said to my mum my period was odd that month and quite bright red.
Fast forward to 6 weeks after my last period and my period was late. I was telling my family i was worried i was having signs of early menopause.. Then just to make sure (and because i was off work for a couple of days) i found a pregnancy test in my bathroom and took it. Its funny because i woke up early, peed on the stick and left it in the bathroom whilst i went downstairs to let my dog out, feed him and make coffee. Then went back upstairs and literally was like Oh! It was a digital test so clearly spelt it out to me that i was pregnant.
I came back downstairs drank my caffeine fueled coffee and told Gus my dog i was pregnant. I then google time lines and realized i was nearly 11 weeks pregnant. There was no question in my mind that i was keeping it, but was confused over the period 6 weeks ago. I googled bleeding in pregnancy and it seemed like it could be ok. I decided i’d go tell my mum. So i got ready for the day and drove to my parents. Its funny i drove down their road and my mum wasnt there because she takes my Niece to school and i didnt know how to act with my dad – so i took Gus for a walk nearby for 30 minutes till she came home. This gave me time to figure stuff out a bit more in my head. Regardless my mum still wasnt home when i got back, so i went in and just made chit chat with my dad. lol
When my mum came home we were in the kitchen and i just said to her i’m pregnant. Her instant reply was “your going to keep it right” Not by who?, how? OMG! lol. I replied yes obviously.. When you are 40 and its never happened – its just a thing in my head i’d always keep. Plus i got into the mess – i have to deal with it. lol
We didnt really mention it again. My best friend came for dinner later that day and because we were going to be drinking i showed her the stick and everyone was pretty excited. I was 11 weeks – like in theory all could be ok by then. Its not just a late period. As the weekend went on – i told my sister. As a family my mum, sis and i share most things. I was driving and called her and told her. She asked me if i really was and then was uber excited and called several times with plans etc. lol The weekend went on and it was good. Funny she didn’t say by who or anything either..
Did i tell the guy – yes. Did he freak out – yes. Did i hear from after the second day of him knowing i was pregnant, no. Did he blame me for getting pregnant, yes. Apparently it was all my fault. I told him i couldnt get pregnant (No i told him i dont think i can get pregnant, as i never have been) and he told me if it was his choice, he would get it aborted and i replied with its not your choice. Anyway i never heard from him again. He in theory should think i’m still pregnant. I actually think he thought i lied or just didnt want to deal with it. Vile human being clearly and i must pick better guys in future.
Then it all went wrong…
On the Wednesday i started spotting. Like that awful foul smelling brownish period. I had already booked a midwife appointment and she randomly text me as this just started. She told me not to worry and call the doctors. I filled out an econsult form and within about 15 minutes a doctor called. I explained and he said he would call the early pregnancy department at the hospital to get an early scan. He came back so quickly and booked me in for the Saturday. 3 days later. 😦
On the Thursday i went for my midwife appointment.. Discussed all options, tried to get blood, which failed oddly and i got that blue folder with all my details and info in..
Between Thursday and the Saturday i googled lots, read blogs and dreamt of it being good and planned my future of how i’d work, who would look after it whilst i worked and A names.. The kids in our family, including my dogs formal name begins with A! lol! Hey you have to dream a little especially at nearly 12 weeks pregnant and it was something that had never happened to me before.. I also wrote a journal of everything that happened. I wanted it for if the baby was ok and if not for me to document. It might sound odd, but it helped me process it all.
Saturday came and i decided to go alone and leave my mum at home with my dog. He cant stay alone for long, as he just doesn’t like it! 😉 I drive to the hospital quite frankly scared. Scared because it was still a lockdown type time, scared because i hadn’t been in a hospital for ages & i don’t like them.. Also scared because any prodding down there isn’t fun right? I got there, filled out forms, saw everyone had a partner with them and waited for my turn. I did notice most people weren’t that young.. like 30+ which made me realize lots of people do struggle for sure. When i was called, i explained the dates and the situation.. I had a normal scan which didn’t show what they wanted, so i had to go for a wee and then have an internal scan. Now i freak out at smears – this was nothing like a smear and actually was fine. A bit uncomfortable at times, but perfectly fine. However as for finding a baby – they found a cyst on an ovary and not much else. When this happens its either a pregnancy of unknown location, a miscarriage or ectopic! So i was out in the bad news room and waited on a nurse. With the dates it was confusing for all.. They took bloods, explained what could of happened and asked me to come back on Monday. They also terrified me by telling me if any pains in shoulder or towards back could be ectopic and i have to go to A&E. Don’t google Ectopic – it literally makes you scared with every pain. They also said to call the department at around 6 for the blood results. These results tell you how pregnant you are.
I googled way too much that day, sobbed and freaked out. I called at 6pm and they confirmed i was pregnant, but were confused by the numbers of the blood test, as it could be viable, but a pregnancy hiding. I had to come back for another scan Monday and more bloods. Everything was still up in the air and not looking ideal.
Monday came – scan showed they couldn’t find it again and then more bloods.. more calling back later that day. The bloods were slightly lower than Saturday, but not that much. If they are roughly the same, this can show ectopic too. They were meant to drop considerably but hadn’t. You can imagine by this point i’m just sad. I got my dog from my parents and i went home to work. Oddly i was interviewing for a promotion at the time and i had to explain why i couldn’t interview right now. I worked but to be on form to interview, was not the time. To be honest my boss should have told me not to work at the time or i should have realized i needed time to reflect on it all. Maybe if i had i wouldn’t be so screwed up by it still. Who knows.
Over the next month i had to go back every few days for more bloods to see if the levels dropped and to make sure i had no pains encase the ectopic happened.. When you have to wait a month or so for the baby to just die and go away its horrendous. Every time i took a pregnancy test it was still positive until a month later the test final was negative and that was it. The hormone levels in the blood didn’t drop as quickly as most peoples do when you miscarry. Mine was just very very slow and no one knew why or why i had a period after I had sex either.. I’m just one of those random ones unfortunately.
That was it till you tell your close friends why you have lied recently. Until everyone tells you that they are pregnant or have their happy ending.. or even when you are on work calls and you can just about hold it together till the call ends. I’m not sure why i cry, but i think its just that it was my chance, my journey and just something i didn’t think could happen. I don’t cry all the time anymore, but sometimes it just hits you.
My background is yes i’m terrible in relationships, but also i have a disorder called bile acid malabsorption. This means i cant digest food properly without help of a sachet (medicine) You shouldn’t take those sachets when pregnant and i don’t keep vitamins inside me, as i’m vitamin d and B12 deficient too. Its not impossible to get pregnant, but its not simple either. This could also be why this pregnancy didn’t last. Funny one of my friends who cant get pregnant due to egg issues said ‘at least you can get pregnant’ which is very true.
So we are now in October.. The month the baby would have been born (around 30th-31st October) and the month a few people are having babies. Its also pregnancy loss week next week i believe, so hence me finishing my blog. Since this all happened i haven’t been on a date with anyone and/or slept with anyone because i’m quite frankly terrified of it happening again. Not falling pregnant, but of the upset.. The thing is though i’m 41 and if i want a child, i need to figure this out quick. I need to plan it properly and not be on my meds (sachets) and probably go down the clinic route. With that comes perfect weight, so diets and just not simply having sex and getting pregnant. For now i’m going to love my dog, my nieces and nephew and continue to get stuck into my promotion. oh so yes i got the promotion and actually got another one on top of that too.. So not all bad this year..
I hope my story can help others and always remember you don’t know what people are going through, lots of people don’t get pregnant the first time and just be kind to each other.
Single girl in the Suburbs 