I can only apologise for the lack of posts recently – I just haven’t had the omph to write one (although I have written one in my head a hundred times! )- plus I think this year has been a omph lacking year so far but let me tell you why!
This year 5 people I am close to have lost parents and I’m not great with death and upset unfortunately and it just makes me freak out about my own parents, to whom I am very close to! firstly my best friend from uni’s dad died after a battle with cancer. I love my friend and her family and they have been through so much it’s heartbreaking to watch and when you want to support your friend it will effect you. Then my uncle died from a freak accident – he lived in northern Cyprus and to not be able to say goodbye or see your family at this time again takes its toll. However most recently another best friend lost her mum in not very nice circumstance and she really shouldn’t have gone so young. When you have a very similar relationship with your own mum, it literally upset me more than I could deem possible. My saving grace is I have both my parents – unfortunately my friend now has none. She also has battled with being single for years and yes now is in a nice relationship but when you have been single for so long before, you worry about being alone again and you also get more upset that your parents won’t see you build this future with them included. Well this is how I would feel. I worry so much about it just being me – I rely on my parents so much for just being there regardless of how much I might have friends around or family. This is why I worry about my friends so much! I don’t want them to feel alone and I want them to know I am there for them.
Anyway to continue my 2017 story – a week after that death, another friend lost her mum and most recently a childhood friend lost her dad. It’s totally mental and I do know my parents are fit and healthy and seem much younger than they are, but it doesn’t stop me from being in this stupa this year. It doesn’t help that vitamins aren’t staying in my body (a side story to B12 deficiency) and I’m tired all the time or I feel the majority of my friends are the most self centred people ever this year (obviously not including the people who have gone through this heart ache!) I get everyone has a life but seriously I give up trying sometimes. Maybe they feel I am self centre too or shouldn’t have to rely on them for company at this age who knows!
So this brings me on to dating and why my lack of dating or even bothering to talk to anyone this year! I just don’t have the omph or the tolerance or have become so bloody old I give up for a bit! The thing is with dating you have to be at your best because it’s so hard. It takes a lot out of you, it’s exhausting and emotionally fucks up your head sometimes. A guy started an argument with me yesterday online because I didn’t reply to him and when he pushed it – I just said I think we are looking for different things to which he then just threw abuse at me ! He clearly got blocked and anyone else I was talking to was looked at in a different light and not really spoken to again. I swear I attract fuckwits.
So the rest of the year I can only hope gets better, I don’t dwell on the past and everyone starts to heal! Oh and I get some energy in me and vitamins somehow start to stick! 😬 Autumn is better for dates anyway! Haha
Chronic illness sounds very depressing right? And very extreme right? Well it doesn’t really have to be! Well it is a long term condition, but they obviously range from extreme to not normally effecting your life to much!
So I have these – I have a B12 deficiency and IBS and normally I can cope quite well, it’s part of life, lots of people have it and these days it’s so much easier to live with, but this week I’m totally struggling! I don’t think this dull weather has helped and winter never helps – long dark days are so depressing – I choose sunny light days any day! I need flip flops back in my life and no coat – who likes coats anyway!
I have an injection every 8 weeks which is totally my energy boost and helps my face not have pins and needles, my hands to not go numb and basically every bone in my body not to ache! Most of the time I don’t get these symptoms all the time, howeverthis week I have all the symptoms, I’m dropping the ball at work by getting cranky too much (it doesn’t help I’m working like 12 hour days) and I could happily go back to bed constantly! Wow I’m melodramatic today!! It’s hard though – no one really gets it – everyone I swear just thinks I’m a weirdo who has a funny diet and is just as tired as them because everyone works hard, but literally I’m so tired I cried at a roundabout the other day because I was too tired to drive to the superpmarket to get food. I can barely be bothered to hit my goal steps on my Fitbit each day and push myself as my legs are killing and TRX last night literally broke me! Plus as standard I live off caffiene! Coffee is my best friend right now!
I think people think I’m lucky because I get an injection to help me have energy! Oh yeah that’s it! The fact that they all can absorb the nutrients and vitamins they need in their body means they are the lucky ones. According to the NHS – I could lose my memory when I am older, have depression and basically find it very difficult to conceive a baby because of the injections! So this doesn’t really make me lucky in the long term I’m afraid! Plus you tell a guy you are dating that you are like an old lady and you need an injection to give you energy sort of makes you sound like fruit loop or totally past it!
Anyway roll on Tuesday I need my injection in time to do an event up north next week – events are exhausting (yet fun) as it is – I literally will be sat on the floor in the exhibition hall crying and rocking without it! 😉
I’m hoping after the last few days with the tiniest of signs of heat coming everyone will be less tired, my symptoms each 8 weeks won’t be as extreme as the sun will totally help and I so need a holiday – I think I might need to book one! Sod buying flooring – I swear there is a sun lounger out there with my name on! 😎
Not sure if this happens to everyone but this always happens to me and I know it’s happened to a friend of mine before too! If you have been off and on online dating for a while you always see the guys you might have been on a date with in the past or you have spoken to in the past! Standard as everyone has the same goal but why do boys find the need to have to get in touch with you again after months or even years?
The thing is I would never go oh let’s talk to so and so because we went on a date previously, it didn’t work out but we must try again! I just don’t see the need – there was obviously a reason it didn’t work previously! However boys are different – randomly out of the blue I either get random texts on whatsapp or I will see a guy I have been on a date with on a site and look at their profile (I’m nosey) and then 5 minutes later I always get a message from that person!
On one occasion I went on a date with one guy I had been on a date with 6 months before – we then saw each other for a but but seriously there was no need! So why do I end up replying to these guys and getting into the situation where I have to either go on a date with someone I don’t want to or having to have that awkward convo of sacking them off! Why don’t I just leave well alone! My new tactic is not really to be too interested and hope they get bored! The ones you want to get in touch never do which is irritating!
Anyway if anyone knows why guys see the need to get in touch randomly – please let me know! If a girl did it – I swear guys would think they are needy or obsessed or something! Datings a funny old world!
Randomly yesterday I shouted out in the office – “I think you should all come up with meal ideas for me” everyone looked blankly so I went on to explain! So obviously I am back on a Healthy kick as its January and I really do need to be healthier! BUT normal people could just eat whatever, but no I have acute IBS so basically I have it really bad!
My IBS is triggered by all the usual things of stress etc, but my main trigger points are food intolerances! I avoid (and have done since I was 20) wheat, gluten and soy! Dairy is ok but I don’t really like too much in terms of milk, Fish I really don’t like (I was sick for hours once on a dodgy cod), eggs are ok – it depends on the day I think and coffee can not like me very much if too strong, however I do have a bit of a Starbucks addiction but a one shot skinny caramel latte grande seems to be ok!
That isn’t it though – in my mid twenties I kept getting pains in my side and it turned out to be gall stones that kept getting stuck in my gall bladder pipe! (Worst pain ever!!) so it was taken out! Therefore everything I eat, must be under 5g of fat! Oh yes because you can’t digest too much fat and It just hurts! You would think I would be a bean pole but no my body wants me to work for it!
I also like to try and follow the Fodmaps diet, as I mentioned in my previous post because apparently food that you can digest easier helps ease the whole IBS situation!
So you can imagine my colleagues faces when I explained what they needed to find me! One girl said “I’ve found you a great recipe, it’s called air!” Haha! Another girl did actually Google things and found lots of dessert recipes or snacks to make but with everything all people ever give you is snack type recipes and not actual meals! Even cookery books have recipes for dips as a starter! I get it isn’t the easiest thing to stick to but needs must!
I play this game with my mum when I drive to the supermarket and I call her and ask her what I can eat! She goes through all these options and tries to help, but it’s just annoying as why can’t it be easier! I did make a great dish tonight though which I found from a site a colleague sent me! It was just vegetables called a Briam! It’s by Jamie Oliver and I just ammended it to my needs! It was lovely! So if you have any recipes you have and your reading this – do send them over! ?
Can you Imagine a boy’s face when I tell them my intolerances and they have asked me out for dinner? It’s fun dating with IBS -follow up blog to come!
This year has seen some milestones in the old friendship stakes – my best friends and I have been friends for 25 years after meeting at senior school on day one (damn that gives away my age) and a friend who I met at a job in my 20’s – we celebrated this weekend being friends for 10 years! My most recent close friend I have known for 6 years! I would say I have about 10 very close friends and several others I couldn’t live without, but I just might not see/talk to all the time!
I’ve always been a loyal friend, I sometimes think this is why I never found anyone for the long term because I always put my friends first. I would go out on a weekend with them and they all found guys early in their 20’s – so we would all just go out and have fun! They never hooked me up with there partners guy friends (selfish) and they just always really thought of me being the dependable friend, the helpful friend who when they all got married – I was there as the doting bridesmaid and don’t get me wrong I didn’t mind, I pride myself on being helpful etc. But maybe it was quite one sided looking back! I know if I got married, they would never be as good as I was as a bridesmaid mainly because their life’s are full of kids, husbands and higher ranking positions these days but I just think they wouldn’t help the stressful, but lovely time and I don’t know if I would choose them to be my bridesmaids and I’d cop out and just have my nieces instead! That would be the friendship over then! Haha!
Anyway yesterday my friend and I celebrated with a shopping trip and whilst having some drinks she asked the question of what was my favourite time over the last 10 years and you know we literally named every day as a fun day even the boring work days where we would just go to Starbucks to cheer ourselves up! We literally have had a blast over the last 10 years and I wouldn’t change a thing! It’s sad that the next 10 years could bring heart ache as our parents get older and some of my friends have already gone through this or are going through it right now, but we (the single ones) still have our adventures to come & I’m sure in the next 10 years we will definitely have kids, someone will get married, we will go on adventures abroad (we already have Amsterdam to look forward to in November) and whatever is thrown at us we will tackle it together like we have in the last whatever years!
My best friends will always be there, I don’t always think they know me as well as my newer friends these days, but if I reached out to them more instead of just saying I’m fine all the time, they would be there for me, but then if we have been friends for this long, shouldn’t they know if something is wrong, shouldn’t they make an effort to actually check you are ok or see the signs on social? – I would, but who knows that is what makes friends different, this is why I have different pockets of friends and why they are all unique! Regardless, I am very lucky to have each and every one of them and I will always continue to be there for them! Maybe this is why I got friend zoned this weekend too! Maybe he heard what a great friend I am and decided the relationship wasn’t for him! I’m kidding, there was more to it, but hey who wants to ever be friendzoned when you like a boy! Story of my life – maybe that’s my next blog. To be continued….