I wonder; is it worse (and that’s probably a bad word to use but anyway) to have been single on and off and be over 35, than to have been in a relationship for a long time and not to have got married and had kids?
I’m talking to a guy who has been in two long term relationships and not been married and not had children yet! He is 40 and been in one relationship of 10 years and one of 9! Now you can probably pass the first one as – Young, through the school/uni era – in your 20’s etc, but the second one he would have been in his 30’s, established etc, how could:
A) he not have proposed before 9 years (is this why they ended?!)
B) how could you in that time not even perhaps had a mistake and fallen pregnant! (Obviously they could have – I don’t know that)
C) I wonder if he actually wants to get married or have children in this case – far too early to be that nosey though
I know a few guys like this – I have a cousin who has just come back from oz where he lived with his girlfriend for over 10 years and then got to 40 and decided she wasn’t for him! 10 years – that is one long arse time to have not have made future plans together and to have not have had a family or any long term commitment!
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not one to wait years and years for a relationship to go to the next stage! Perhaps because I’m now over 35, who knows, but I think because I’m impatient I wouldn’t wait 10 years to get pregnant – well I couldn’t now anyway – I’d be a super granny mum! I wonder if guys know this – like they now can’t wait 10 years for a relationship to go to the next stage… They must do I’m sure!
Anyway so thinking about it – with all the pressure single people get about well frankly being single and questions like; why haven’t you met anyone yet and people telling you that you should get a move on, find the one, try harder and basically every friend and relative thinking you are some weirdo because you haven’t been with anyone for longer than a minute in your whole adult life – it made me think: People who have been in long term relationships must have all this stigma too, like:
Oh there must be something wrong with xxxx as that last girl he was with didn’t work out
Why did xxxx not have children yet
For years they must have people just saying – why hasn’t xxxx not got married or when are they getting married!
You can’t win really. If you got married quickly – you would be judged. If you got pregnant before marriage – you could be judge, if you stay with someone too long and not move to the next level – people judge, if you don’t find one you like and don’t put up with not perfect – you are judged, you can’t win. And at over 35 you’ll never have the perfect route to societies perfect idealised relationship – so thank goodness for age on our sides and doing it our way!
Obviously everyone goes by the photos to start with and if they look quite nice you open the profile fully and take a read! Every profile set up is slightly different depending on what site you are on! One might give you a compatibility score with a guy, one might let you tell them everything about you in terms of height (obviously most important thing to women), marriage material, just want a f**k buddy, no details, linked to your Facebook or Instagram profiles etc. Etc. But what does the profile say about that elusive potential….
So there is the guy who wants a lover but not love = clearly a fancy way of saying they want a f**k buddy and could be married already or perhaps has been hurt in the past and just wants a no commitment thing for now! Commitment issues… 😬
Then there is the guy who is seperated! These poor guys could have been seperated for years for all I know but I instantly think; is he on the rebound or is it too early for him to be going out and meeting someone!
The guy who bangs on about looks not being important – sorry but surely that’s crap because the first thing you judge people on online is their photo! So for you to click further you need to go yep or nope to that person! Unless they look at every profile I suppose! Who knows!
The guy who puts no details about their job! What are you trying to hide!? Who cares what you do – I can select that you earn a certain amount if I really want anyway and then you will come up in my search! Yes yes it’s that fickle online! In a bar you wouldn’t ask someone how much money they earn before talking to them but on online you pretty much can! Although that goes back to my previous post when I guy was so eager to find out how much I earn’t – who cares!
The guy who says they come from the whole county! Is that not a bit weird! It instantly makes me think you live in a dodgy area and you are ashamed! Silly if you ask me! Plus counties are massive – Hampshire is like an hour drive to get to some places! Plus I live on the Berkshire, Surrey, Hampshire boarder – so giving me a county is redic!
The I’m not telling if I have a child – clearly you have one
The I’m not telling if I have a car – clearly you don’t, but you might have a bike! Just say if you don’t have one! Weird not too!
The only answer I think I get when people are a bit unsure is the kid thing and the marriage thing! No one wants to be too eager and not everyone knows if they want children and if it happens it happens especially as we all get so bloody old – who knows if we can have children or when we will meet someone if we will be really really bloody old and can’t have them by then! And marriage, well again you wouldn’t go up to a potential in a bar and go: “do you ever want to get married” might depend on the person or they just might not see the point! My parents have been married for over 45 years and I’m not sure I can be bothered to get married – what is the need really? A house is a commitment, children are commitment, but I would quite like a Pink diamond engagement ring! Mmmmm! Lol
Anyway it’s bloody difficult this perfect profile thing – maybe we (as in the online dating community) need to be more open minded on lots of profiles and just go with your gut on if that person seems like one you want to meet! To be fair you might start chatting to one and they end up being blah anyway (totally happened last week and he had such potential but bloody hell he asked no questions and didn’t do anything with his life! – bore) Boys can be a bit blah you know! Clearly it’s all them as I’m so funny, beautiful and amazing! Ha
Anyway back to the boy shopping! Ooooo I just got a message from an Adam…..
Have you ever been on POF or Plenty of Fish as the formal people call it? POF is the place us singletons go to discover the wonder that is online dating! Well there and several other places but POF basically is the OK place that is free!
Basically you see all the single people you know on there at some point and if like me you have been single for years you have probably seen people come and go you know now are in relationships or you see the people like yourself who have been off and on the thing for forever!
The thing about being on an online dating portal that everyone goes on, you end up walking around town thinking omg do I know them or I wonder if any of these guys are on POF! I’ve even been out at night in a bar and a guy started talking to me like I was some long lost friend and thinking he knew me until he saw my vague look on my face and realised he didn’t! Later on I saw him on POF and he probably had just seen me so often he thought he knew me from somewhere else! Haha
There is also the nightmare when your single friends are on POF and you are and you end up talking to the guy they might have been on a date with or been talking to before! It’s very awkward and has totally happened to a friend and I! Who knew we had the same taste!
Then there is the stalker guy who messages you without a picture and tells you he has seen you about and has an amazing smile! Brilliant because that makes me feel so much better about going outside the house now you weirdo!
Then just last night there was the situation of the person you used to know having a profile on POF! He looks at your profile, you look at his – clearly take a screenshot and send it to your mate and say “OMG isn’t he married?” Then he messages you and tells you he is now single and he thought it was me! Haha!
I’ve never actually ever messaged anyone on any dating site first – maybe I would be more successful if I did. -As a marketer you think I would be good at marketing myself but clearly not! What would I say & an element of me thinks boys should message first but I don’t think that is working with the recent messages I have got from really really unsuitable guys!
This all sounds very negative about POF and obviously it isn’t that bad for me to go back on there so often and not every guy is that bad – I’ve clearly dated some nice ones too and out of my favourite 6 friends – half have met guys on dating sites and 2 on POF – 2 are now married and have children and 1 is now living with a guy after many years of going through bad dates! So it does work and it is a good place to find a nice one!